Friday, October 11, 2013

1000 years

So at some point every day I end up holding Isabella. I hold her multiple times a day but a least once a day I get to hold her like an infant, she's finally starting to grow and at almost 15 months she's got some length on her. She usually crooks one leg up over my arm and lets the other hang, keeping time as it kicks out to my cadence. She rests her head on my the inside of my elbow, glancing up at me, comfortable, safe, content and she plays with my necklace. During this time she's usually tired, not worn out enough to put down for a nap but just cranky enough to allow me to hold her tighter than is tolerated in her now toddler-ness, so I take advantage of it. I pace up and down the hallway, swaying throughout the kitchen and living room, and throwing in a light twirl every now and then to keep her content and in my arms as long as she'll allow.

Isabella has an old soul, I'm convinced, from day one the girl has been pleased with the simple. She doesn't need the bells and whistles. She can rock a wooden spoon and pot drum solo, but ignores her light-up singing toys. She's the same way with music, she's not interested in the Lullaby's sung by jewell with their acoustic vibe and off set beat, she laughs when Addiston sings her songs she's learned at school or bible study (typically bible verses to the tune of row-row-row your boat) But start singing some hymns and the girl chills, we're talking trance-like-state, zoning-out chill, her favorite is blessed assurance.

I was raised in a church that sang hymns and I am so grateful that I know the hymns because I'm quickly learning that hymnals are a dying breed. The next generations won't know what it's like to take a dusty smelling book out of a wooden 'pocket' in front of you, and open it up to a given number during the song intro and fake being able to sight read! They'll only know the photo slide show behind lyrics of songs they hear on the radio, looking up at a screen instead of down in a book.

Anyways, usually I stick to the hymns, because I know they work! They don't put her to sleep, just zen state. And I can cuddle her, examine her face, see how she's changing, hold her a while longer. But recently another song keeps popping into my head, 'A Thousand Years' by, Christina Perri. I honestly don't remember the first time I heard it but it has popped up on my pandora station a time or two and I like it, the artist has a great voice and the music builds. I honestly don't know what the first verse is because I always get lost in the instrumentals, but the verse kicks in and her vibrato takes over and I'm in love! It's suppose to be a love song but hey what stronger love is there that mother/child-NONE. So I have been sneaking it in from time to time between 'amazing grace' and 'love lifted me'

Like I said, I don't know the first verse, so usually I just hum a little then start up with the chorus:

I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

How true are those words?

I loved her before I knew her, before I held her, before I knew she was an old soul. There was a place in my heart that was blocked off, reserved just for her, a part of me that I didn't know existed, didn't know I was missing, until I looked into those huge blue eyes, and that piece of me came to life, and I wasn't just Lindsey or Addiston's mom, I was Isabella's mom, and she completed my heart, just like Addiston did when she was born, and just like any future children I may be blessed with will. She is mine and I am hers. 

While I wouldn't wish a miscarriage or a hard pregnancy on my worst enemy I think that because I my struggle to keep a viable pregnancy and struggling through 6 miscarriages the words of this song permeate how I feel as a mother.

I looked up the lyrics to see what all the song was really about and they are perfect, The first line, 'the day we met, frozen' is so true. She & her big sister are my hearts home! They will forever take me with them. The song was undoubtedly written as a couple's love song I'm claiming it as our song, Isabella's and Mine. Addiston and I have one, and now my baby and I do! 

If you want to hear the whole song here's the link: It really is beautiful!