Charlotte Elizabeth Miller-A Birth Story

She is here, She is perfect, she is a miracle and the answer to prayers I didn't have to words to pray.

How can it be that over a month has passed since we welcomed our dear girl? I just want to slow down time. To be able to take more deep breaths and bask in the newness of her, the tininess of her toes and the sweet way her lower lip quivers when she cries. It's true what they say, that with each baby time moves faster; it doesn't really, but, you get less time one on one with each of them, so I fully believe that because your time is sparse you appreciate the baby stage more!

Jared and I took notes of the boring details while I was in labor and I took my time processing all of the emotions that accompany the experience. I'm finally in a place where I'm ready to stop hoarding the blessing and share what came to be our but mostly her story! Because who am I to keep it? Sharing a miracle doesn't diminish the sanctity of it, but multiplies it. And I'm fully aware that I'm currently cuddling my third little miracle in my arms, and the love and gratitude is overwhelming. I can't think on it too long because it reminds me how little I deserve it.

Wednesday March 23 we had our home school community day. I taught to distract myself from being almost 2 weeks over due. It went well. My mind was thoroughly distracted for 3 hours and as soon as I sat down in the van to drive home my body decided to catch me up on what it had been doing the last three hours. I felt cramping and contractions but they weren't anything that made me take note so home we went. On the way I called Jared to let him know that I thought labor was starting so he came home from the office and got home just shortly after we did. The rest of the afternoon I spent bouncing on a yoga ball, taking warm baths, baking and attempting to watch movies cuddled up with the girls since I knew it was all about to change.

After Addiston and Isabella were in bed my contractions got stronger but they were still 7-10 minutes apart. I was in obvious pain but didn't even want to call the doctor because with trying to VBAC I knew the only thing they would say was to go to the hospital and I wasn't going anywhere until I was positive it was time to have this baby. That night was pretty much a blur, I tried to rest. I slept in 5 minute increments, but tried to stay quiet so Jared could get as much sleep as possible. He was up with me several times, getting water and snacks and rubbing my back.

By the time the sun was up Thursday we both knew that this was it and called the parents. Mine were already planning to come down that day for the back-up c-section scheduled for friday. So they might have hurried a little more but were already prepped and ready. Lots of counter pressure, yoga ball bouncing and a few ineffectual hot showers later I called it. It was noon and Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and made it difficult to stand or breathe through them. My parents were still a few hours out so I called my friend Kari (who was 37 weeks pregnant herself) she and her daughter came over to hold down the fort till my parents arrived.

Last shot as a family of 4

Jared and I arrived at the hospital at 1:15. I got my oh-so-stylish gown and was hooked up to a monitor. I was well into active labor with HARD contractions now coming every 2-3 minutes. Jared and I took guesses as to how dilated I was (6&7) and we were both way wrong, I was only at a 3. I was so upset, I had been laboring for almost a day and was only a 3.  I hadn't progressed from 1cm, 50% effaced since 37 weeks so we agreed that progress was progress and at that point were excited that no matter what we were leaving the hospital with our baby, one way or another. Since we were attempting a VBAC I had to be hooked up to monitors continually, basically meaning I had a three foot tether to my bed. I paced, Jared brought my yoga ball, I did squats, leaned over the bed and did lots of deep breathing, while Jared spent the larger part of the next several hours applying counter pressure to my hips during every contractions. Four hours later I finally let the nurse check me again, contractions weren't getting any closer but they were so much stronger. She said she could feel scar tissue on my cervix that basically needed to tear in order for me to fully dilate. At 5pm I was 4cm, 100% effaced and -1 station. I was discouraged. I didn't know how much longer I could go and didn't believe my body would do what it should and that I might be looking at my third c-section.

 I don't remember doing much more than cry for the next hour strait, I was in PAIN, I was afraid of another surgery, I just wanted to hold my baby. Jared kept encouraging me and helping me as much as he could, but I could tell he was running out of steam too. I had been laboring on a 3 foot leash for 4 hours, and had only progressed one lousy centimeter. My body was trying to go into transition but couldn't because of a residual scar tissue from a decade ago. My body was working overtime trying to break the scar tissue and it was then that I told Jared I didn't think I could do it, that I thought my body just wasn't cut out for having babies and that I wanted to go ahead and get an epidural so that if I had to have a c-section I would be ready. He let the hospital staff know, and about an hour later I was getting poked with a foot long needle.

We had a sweet nurse who had several years experience under her belt and was so respectful of me and my birth plan. She could tell how discouraged I was getting and lingered in the room a little longer than normal when she was checking the babies vitals. She walked over to the infant bed in the corner and began to remove the sterile seal. She got out a blanket from the drawer under it, opened the infant blood pressure cuff and set out a little pink and blue stripped hat, she looked at me and said, "you're going to do this, I don't break this seal unless a baby is going to use this bed," (c-section babies don't use the in-room bed, they get one in the O.R.) I sarcastically chuckled, I didn't have the energy to come up with a witty comment. She said, "I've been doing this a long time and trust me I know when a baby is coming on their own and when we've got to call the doctor to go in and get 'em" For the first time since checking into the hospital I believed that I could do this and that I would get to avoid another c-section.

An hour later my doctor stopped by on her way out of the office and a new nurse (shift change) came to check me again, I was now to 6cm. I was in shock. It took me 24 hours to dilate from a 1 to a 3 and four hours to go from 3 to 4 and then in an hour I progressed from a 4 to a 6, 2cm in 1 hour was an answer to my prayers! Ever since we had the post-due-date ultrasound and found out about the mass in Charlotte's chest I had been tense, (I had actually regressed in effacement from week 40 to 41 and my doctor said that was normal given the situation) I'm not exactly an easy going person by nature but fearing whats going to happen when my baby was finally born made me even less at ease. Jared had been saying for almost a month that if I would just relax that my body would probably do it's thing and I'd be able to go it labor. Well I guess he was right. For the first time in a month, thanks to the epidural, I was forced to relax and my body was able to do it's thing.

I was getting excited, at this point I fully believed that I would deliver my baby. I tried to relax as much as possible knowing that I'd need all the energy I could muster for the actual delivery.

Two hours later (9:30) I had dilated to an 8. My contractions were a minute apart and with each one Charlotte's heart rate would dip just a bit lower than they liked. From that point on I got to sport a not-at-all annoying oxygen mask.

The nurses stayed close after that. Half an hour later (10pm) I was at 9cm, My doctor  was called, she only lives 10-15 minutes from the hospital so she had been at home (watching youtube music spoof videos) I asked to have the epidural turned off and my nurse thought I was crazy but I wanted to feel contractions and when to push. She reluctantly obliged.

By 10:15 I was fully dilated, and charlotte had apparently come down the birth canal hard and fast. People seemed to come from nowhere, there were spotlights and mirrors and extra nurses. My doctor wasn't there yet so one of the nurses helped me get set up and do a couple practice pushes. I wasn't feeling the full extent of my contractions yet but I could feel pressure and was able to help hold my legs up. My doctor literally ran in the room out of breath. She was just as excited as I was for this to finally be happening and ran to change, a few minutes later she was in front of me, gowned and masked. At 10:25 I started pushing. One of the nurses counted slower than I thought was possible with each contraction to keep me pushing for as long as possible. With each push I could feel more and more and that made it so much easier to know what to do. Jared held the oxygen mask on me so I could hold myself up to my legs and focus on pushing. My sweet doctor was literally my cheerleader, I don't think she stopped encouraging me for one minute. Between every push I just kept thanking God for this opportunity, I had wanted so badly to be able to deliver my baby myself and I was. Then the doctor said "give me one last good push" and at 10:43 on March 24, 2016 Charlotte Elizabeth was born.

It was surreal, I watched them clean out her, quivering little mouth (we later learned she had taken a big gulp of amniotic fluid on her way out) and place her damp little body on my chest. I was so relieved that she was crying, breathing on her own, without trouble, that she was pink, and I was able to hold her and pray over her. She was (and is) an answer to so many prayers!

The next hour was spent being stitched up (2nd degree tear) and annoying the nurses because I wouldn't let them take Charlotte to the nursery to be examined. I had to be separated from my first to girls for hours before I even got to hold them, I had my baby and I wasn't giving her up. They found the mobile scale and necessary instruments and brought them to us. She weighed 7lbs 7ozs,  was 20 inches long. (small for being 2 weeks past due) and they got the cutest little foot prints.

After she was done being inspected, we swaddled her up and got to just be still. To watch her open her eyes and calmly look around, to breathe deep breaths, and hiccup, and cry soft little cries of a newborn who needs for nothing but is simply figuring out how to cry.

The next morning my parents brought Addiston and Isabella to meet their new little sister.

 

They were and still are smitten. Isabella declared that she was done being a little sister and that now she and Addy were twin big sisters. While in true Addiston fashion my firstborn just took it all in, beaming with pride.


The rest of the day was littered with vitals being checked, visitors, attempting to nurse (she didn't want to eat because her tummy was full of amniotic fluid) and attempts to rest. They did a chest x-ray of Charlotte in the late afternoon, it like the sonogram pre-birth was inconclusive.

We were told we could take her home that evening but we've done this before, were nervous about the mysterious mass in her chest, and our 3 year old still doesn't sleep through the night so we opted for another night at the hospital with nurses keeping a watchful eye on our girl and Jared and I attempting to sleep on 3" plastic mattresses.

Saturday morning we got to bring her home.

Sunday was Easter and because my parents were here to make breakfast and coffee and get the girls ready and because the sleep deprivation hadn't fully kicked in yet we went to church! (with a 3 day old!?!) And in true Easter fashion we all matched.

The rest of the week was spent anxiously awaiting her CT scan which was scheduled for friday and loving on our sweet new little one.

Friday came and early in the morning before Jared and I were fully functioning we were at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital waiting. Waiting for her name that she hadn't even learned yet to be called, for a test I didn't fully understand to be preformed, waiting for a sweet southern lady to give us instructions, waiting for an elderly st. nick-esque man to walk us s-l-o-w-l-y down the hall to the procedure room, waiting to feed a hungry baby in hopes that a milk coma would keep her still enough for the machines that we wouldn't have to sedate her 7 pound tiny body.

We had been told contrast wouldn't be necessary only to find out it was. I understood the reasoning why and we obliged, only to need to wait more. A pediatric nurse calling a nicu nurse to do the IV because your baby is tiny and new will slap you with a reality check like a cold wind in december. Standing in the corner of a tiny hospital room hearing her first scream of pain while they stick her is hard but the fear of whats on the other side of the test is harder. Jared helped hold her little body and spoke softly to her. After she was all set, I was given the go ahead to feed her to which I was so relieved because it meant I finally got to hold and comfort my baby.

After the milk coma ensued we watched as her tiny body which barely filled the head holder of the machines conveyor belt go in and out of what sounded like a malfunctioning rocket ignition.

Then we got to take her home. To wait.

We were told by the st. nick-esque man that it would probably be Monday before we heard anything, but that if we called our pediatrician and got her to call the hospital and bug them enough they may be able to get us results that day. So call our pediatrician, and bug her so that the effect would continue on up the medical food chain, we did.

A few hours later we received a call.

Her CT Scan had shown no mass, no signs of a mass and no inconsistencies. There were no need for follow-up or extra tests. She was perfectly healthy.

My mind couldn't grasp it.

In that moment my chest lightened. I hadn't realized it but I had been clinging to and cherishing each moment not for the beauty of the moment and her precious newness but for not knowing what the future held, for fear and maybe a little bit of hope. I had prayed, Jared had prayed, our family had prayed and our friends in our church, town, across the country and on the other side of the world had prayed, some even came into our home and anointed my very pregnant belly. And I shouldn't have been surprised when God answered those prayers! I don't have to fear for her future. Because He is faithful. And my tiny little mustard seed of faith was nothing compared to His faithfulness, and for that we are eternally grateful.

She is here, She is perfect, she is a miracle and the answer to prayers I didn't have to words to pray.

28 weeks

Figured I'd get this down before I forget half of whats going on because... Pregnancy Brain is real my friends!

Our halls have been decked, presents are waiting under the tree and littles are anxiously awaiting tearing open gifts in a fraction of the time it took to wrap them.

We've been more intentional about participating in the season of advent this year as a family. We've been reading a nightly advent family devotional and progressively decorating the tree and house to participate in the anticipation of the coming of Christ. The girls' are getting it and it's so precious to hear their sweet childlike faith and wisdom remind me what it's all about.

The third trimester is here.

We've taken a break from all things baby prep for the holiday season, which after the move, the new car, the new job and wanting to stay on track homeschooling is, oh so NECESSARY!! But I have spurts of nesting where I clean like a maniac and cook freezer meals to store till after baby comes. I'm anticipating the new year and getting this little girl's nursery ready and washing all the little clothes and hopefully finishing unpacking the boxes that have been neglected in our storage room.
I'm excited to know little one in there is growing and things are looking good. I've still been feeling good, although getting slightly more uncomfortable, which I'm reminded of every night when I try to get comfortable. Luckily Jared doesn't mind the 4 extra pillows that have recently taken up residence in bed.

Friday, I had a doctors appointment and 1 hour glucose test, which I found out today I failed meaning I get to return to take the 3 hour glucose test in a few hours. (BLEH) I had gestational diabetes with Addiston and it seemed terrible because I already had food aversions, but as good as I've been feeling this time I honestly don't think it would be that bad to have it again this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I don't welcome the hundreds of finger pricks but in the big scheme of things it's manageable. And do to the excitement (anxiety) about the follow up test, I'm up at 4am blogging (not eating-even though a pb&j sounds divine) instead of sleeping-lucky you!

Sunday when we were in our regular hurry to get all four of us dressed, ready, fed and in the car for our (we've been in the new house 3 months and still cant get used to the) 30 minute drive to church. I was loading up the van with breakfast items that hadn't been finished, make-up that still needed applying and little girl hair bows when I slipped. My cute leopard print ballet flats have nearly no traction and as I was reaching to put something on the console my feet just slipped out from under mean and my belly caught my fall on the edge of the seat and van. It hurt, startled me and Jared and led to a few  hours of baby girl being chill (which is very unlike this growing little karate kid) I tried to take it easy the rest of the day sunday, but woke up Monday feeling extra sore, so I called the doctor who told me to head strait to Labor and delivery.

After a few hours of being monitored, they determined Baby and I were ok and that I should try to limit myself till the pain subsided. I had a few days of being sore and nervous but am feeling much better!

We're headed to my parent's house for Christmas and I'm super excited to see family and get to continue with our little family traditions. The girls' are at great ages for traveling and usually we can make it strait through only stopping once. I'm only a little annoyed that It's suppose to be in the 50s on Christmas day, in Cincinnati. I love that today it was 70 in Nashville and we played outside, but I go north for the holidays to get my white Christmas. (get it together mother nature) On the bright side, heavy winter clothes take up more space and require and extra suitcase, so here's to packing light for the trip!

Safe travels and Merry Christmas Friends!

8 weeks

Two weeks after the initial ultrasound I went back for a second scan.

In the meantime we had sold our house, found out about the crack in the foundation of our sold house, and had a seller back out. 

We were praying for good news and a strong heartbeat. 

The baby is apparently high and the tech had to work to find it but she found a strong heart beat at 167 bpm. 

Needless to say I cried. 

I got to see the doctor again this time and give LOTS of blood. 

The relief I was feeling from hearing my baby's heartbeat was quickly squelched when the doctor informed me that on the ultrasound she also found a subchorionic hematoma.

It had been present on the first scan but they wrote it off as implantation bleeding, but when it was still there on the second scan theres a slight cause for concern. 

A subchorionic hematoma is a small hemorrhage of the uterun wall that increases the risk of miscarriage by forcing the placenta to detach from the embryo. 

Because I have had multiple miscarriages in the past my doctor encouraged me to take it easy and go on bed rest as much as possible. 

Because bed rest is Oh so easy when you're a stay at home mom of two and your husband is leaving on a business trip to California. 

6 weeks

Ok so since we were hush hush about the baby for a while let's backtrack.

I found out I was pregnant on the 4th of July, which also happened to be the day we were hosting the girls' combined birthday party, had 6 family members in from out of town and the day we reached an agreement on the new house.

Because of my history I called the my OBGYN the monday after I found out I was pregnant. 

I went in a few days later and they put me on progesterone. 

It's a super easy pill that I take at bedtime, mainly because it makes me crash and feel like poo, so the hopes are that I'll sleep through all the lovely side effects if I take it at bedtime. 

Two weeks later (6 weeks) I went in for my first ultrasound. 

Things looked ok. Baby in the right place, but it was super early so all the could see was a sac. 

I was bummed to not hear a heartbeat but glad to know that things were as they should be for the time. 

Wacked out

About nine months ago my body started to go all cock-a-mamie! I was cranky, and tired, hot, then cold, an insomniac, crazy person. I tried cutting back on caffeine, I tried eating healthier (if you know me you know thats hard-we're already pretty healthy) I attempted to self diagnose and treat with essential oils. Nothing was working. After 3 months I finally caved and went to the doctor. Turns out my thyroid was out of wack. I had hypothyroidism.

My doctor prescribed synthroid and the next day I started taking it. The following day I decided to google it. I learned lots about thyroid function, the endocrine system, and hormone levels. 8 days later I had done enough research to dump the pills and call my doctor. 

I went in with a game plan, my numbers were high but not dangerously high so I asked if I could do some experimentation on myself. She smirked and asked what I had in mind,(mind you this is a very holistic doctor and the synthroid is considered a VERY safe drug) After discussing our super hippie healthy lifestyle and presenting 3 articles from medical journals she took me seriously and went and got a notepad. (Who's smirking now) 

I explained that I had learned that iodine is a key mineral in thyroid function and while most people get trace amounts of iodine in salt because table salt in the US is iodized we haven't used table salt for years, we use Himalayan pink salt and won't be changing anytime soon (more on that another time), So in short I was probably iodine deficient, secondly my body had been having babies, miscarriages and nursing for nearly 5 years, and that this past year was the first time my body had gotten a chance to regulate naturally there was something bound to be off. 

I went on to explain my use of essential oils and how some applied to specific places helped cleanse the body of built up toxins, and stimulate lazy parts. After nearly an hour of talking we had formulated a game plan, mega-doses of iodine, morning and night,  endoflex oil applied over the thyroid and nutmeg oil rubbed directly over the adrenal gland in the afternoons. Consuming as much coconut oil as i could stand (I hate coconut and blended it in smoothies) and Yoga 3 times a week. 

Well yesterday I went in for some blood work and guess what, my numbers are all normal! 6 months of smelling like a spice cabinet and being diligent about following a health treatment plan I had a say in and my thyroid isn't just being supplemented it's HEALING!!! EESCHK! I'm so excited. I have a few more months of vitamins to make sure my body's got the hang of things, then we can taper off and I'm free. no daily pills for me! 

Tease (short catch up post-but there's pictures)

Sorry it's been so long since I've undated! Life continues to be busier than I deem necessary but with 2 little ones how could it be anything else.

Currently every member of my family is asleep, which is how I'm able to post mid-day. If I had the stamina to post at night I would but currently Isabella is in that wonderful transitional stage of learning to sleep through the night again post teething torture and Addiston still rises with the sun so my ability to string together coherent sentences after the sun goes down are slim to nill-sorry! Take what you can get!

Addiston is done with MDO for the year and while I am a little sad because I loved having a little alone time with Isabella, I am embracing the free schedule of summer!

Addiston on her first and last day of "school"

Isabella is growing so much I just want to pause time (during the day) she is saying a few words now: dog, dada, mama, this, and we're pushing Addy! She is so cuddly. Whenever she sees me she lunges for me to hug her even if she is in someone else's arms. It's good for my mama pride to feel so loved. She holds on so tight that sometimes I can throw my arms out and she's just there clinging on like a little koala bear. She gets so excited to see Addiston after nap time and in the morning. They both just smile and hug. I love witnessing the bonds they're forming! Isabella is more mobile now (not walking) so she gets into everything and she always has the same surprised/intrigued expression no matter what content she is exploring!

Addiston is usually good at keeping her favorite things out of reach but mostly she's cool with sharing. One of Isabella's favorite thing to swipe is a little mermaid tail. It's a tiny little doll the size of a cell phone that converts from mermaid ariel to princess ariel (the toy with tiny little parts all parents hate!) Well the tail is all squishy and I'm not sure why but Isabella loves to suck on it and excuse the terrible photography but this is what I see at least twice a day!

I'm so glad that the girls are getting along. I know we have a long way to go with the whole this is "Mine" stage and I am already in prayer for the teenage years, but even though it is tough having two little ones so close in age I hope that they will always be as excited to see each other and want to share their things and help each other! 

Speaking of sharing: we went Ohio not long ago for my sister's wedding reception and Isabella caught some sort of devil cold from Ikea (ok I have no proof but I'm blaming Ikea) She ended up having an ear infection & UTI. She shared her fever and congestion with Addiston who then was kind enough to share it with me! And coincidently the Dog got an ear infection too! Jared has super immune system and never gets sick or possibly was and we couldn't tell because he was already on antibiotics from having his wisdom teeth removed! So needless to say we got to spend some quality time with our Doc and all moms know how fun germy waiting rooms are! 

Somewhere in the last month Jared went to New york, I made a shotgun trip to Ohio to attend my nana's funeral, Jared got his wisdom teeth removed, we went to Ohio as a family, attempted to catch up on house work, and celebrated Jared's birthday! I let the girls pick out his presents this year (at Jared approved stores) and Addiston wanted to get him a basketball hoop and of course what dad of 2 girls doesn't need a pink basketball?

Addiston was so thrilled because she just knew that he would share with her! I think she may have had some ulterior motives when selecting this particular part of the gift but he was happy none the less! We were all recovering from the whirlwind of the last month and then this week was Addiston's birthday! I'll save the details of that for another time as the whole family has just woken up! But one more for the road!

Apparently Addiston wanted to be like Isabella while driving home one afternoon!

Sister, Sister

We're slowly finding our groove around the Miller household these days. The help has left and I'm on the mend so we're finding our new routine and getting to know ourselves as a family of four!

Our first family outing was to church on Sunday. After I had Addiston I was perfectly content to hole up in the house for 6 weeks only leaving to go to doctor's appointments. This time around after about 5 days home I started to go stir crazy. I was a rebel and talked Jared into letting me go to church (3 days before I was suppose to leave the house) I needed out and it was good for my soul to be in service and to introduce our newest addition to our amazing church family!

Yes we all 4 coordinate, we always do when we go to church but I have a feeling it gets exponentially harder with each family member added. (not to mention the fact that Jared only owns 2 pink shirts)

Isabella is two weeks old today and to us it's been obvious from the moment we saw her that she looks just like her big sister. I was ecstatic about this little tid-bit. I have three sisters and while I look as if I could be related to one of them I always envied those that you could without a shadow of a doubt tell were siblings! Isabella was born exactly 1 pound lighter than Addiston and besides filling out a little the only noticeable difference is that her hair isn't quite as long.

An hour after birth


Hospital picture

(yes I made sure they wore the same outfit-I just love the pink ruffles!)

Headed home


In the little time we've had with two girls we've already had fun dressing them alike. I know that my time in doing this is limited! I HATE my childhood pictures where I'm wearing the exact same outfit as my siblings. I don't mind coordinating and looking like a family but everyone wearing the same thing is only cute on the very young-and unknowing!




I know they can't wear these individually! They remind me of my grandma. She used to tell all of her children, and grandchildren that we were her favorite-in private of course as to not let on to the others of her game. We all thought that we were her pride and joy until one day we wised up and put the pieces together.

Well thats it for now. I'll be back soon to update about our adventures with 2 girls but for now I need rest and a drink of water!

Mothers Day

Once again it's been too long since I've posted!
This pregnancy has seemed more exhausting than my pregnancy with Addiston, which really isn't surprising considering I spend most of my time chasing her and not resting! The hardest part of this pregnancy of lately has been craving food that I was raised on. Jared says that Cincinnati is like a food cult, we have Skyline, LaRosa's, Grippo's, Frische's, and other "northern" foods. I wanted a steak hoagie the other night, called a few places and went in one, no body in the south has even heard of a steak hoagie! You can't get goetta her to save your life-nobody knows what that is either (it's a breakfast dish) and legit skyline chili is out of the question! At least I can get that in cans, it's not exact but it beats a blank.

We've been crossing lots of things off of the "get-done-before-we-have-another-baby" list which has taken up most of our free time. We've taken several car loads to good will trying to clear out space for the new little one and we're well underway on her room, my dad should be coming down soon to finish up the painting (he's a pro-so we figured we'd let him do it) and then all that's left is putting it all together.
We have officially decided to name Baby Girl #2 Isabella Grace Miller. Both of Jared's grandmothers names are Ella and we wanted to incorporate their name into our little one's name. No we are not insane closet Twilight fans, we just like the name! And Grace has always been one of my favorite middle names. Addiston is so sweet trying to say Isabella, the Isa never comes out but the Bella part always does, and in the process she looks as if she's going to vomit, sticking her tongue out all the way while saying bell. It's so funny, we laugh every time we ask her what her little sister's name is.

On Fridays I have a Mom's group that I attend at our church, this was our last meeting before summer and instead of having a formal meeting we decided to drop our kids off at church and head out to get pedicures for mothers day. I'm so grateful to have these women in my life. Most of them have more children than I and older children. They have been through the same sicknesses, trials, and are such a comfort in my life. Addiston had become friends with many of their kids and asks to play with them on a regular basis. Most of the time we find this sweet, but when she was asking for a little boy names Gavin "davin" the other night at chick-fil-a Jared decided she's too young to play with boys.
Addiston is doing quite well potty training, we ask her to sit on her big girl potty every time we need to change her diaper and are using cloth diapers more often so she can tell when she's wet. She always tries to go only is successful about 50% of the time but hey she's only 23 months and is doing great, so we're happy.

Our sweet friend Nathan, who I've mentioned before, got engaged two weeks ago, and asked Addiston to be his flower girl, luckily she's got a while before the big day. Addiston LOVES Nathan, and will have her aunt Kara's wedding under her belt so I'm sure she'll do great.

We're in a great routine right now, Addiston's super playful and we have a great balance between her playing with us and playing by herself. Her favorite thing to do is still read but swinging is a close second. We try and go on walks in the evening when the weather is good or we don't have plans and she loves those.

I had my 28 week appointment and learned that I do NOT have gestational diabetes this pregnancy! Hooray! I was told that I had a very high chance of having them this time so I was shocked when the nurse called and told me I didn't, I am however anemic, so I need to take an iron supplement, so no big struggle here.

In other news one of my best friends came to visit a few weeks ago from Virginia and it was so good to spend some time with my dear Kari, she gave me a book "heaven is for real" and somehow I found the time to read it in two days, it was so sweet, and I loved that she told me that I'm going to have an entourage waiting for me in heaven. Today ironically enough would have been the due date of the baby that we miscarried last fall. It was strange to see in on the calendar, but Jared made this mother's day so special for me and Isabella has been doing summersaults all afternoon, reminding me that I indeed have another miracle growing inside me. Addiston actually telling me Happy Mother's Day and saying "love you mama" was the sweetest thing I ever could have asked for, but her daddy got me spa certificate and a new make-up mirror just in case her sweet blessings didn't cut it.
Yesterday I was a wedding coordinator to another friend Lindsay, she was a beautiful bride and the whole day went smoothly even with a few scattered showers. Her photographer offered me a job at the company she and her husband own as a part time wedding planner/coordinator, so who knows maybe I'll go to a few weddings before this baby is born and put my OCD tendencies to good use!
Well it's a little girls bed time and she's trying to lick the ice cream on her pajamas, so I think I'll go cuddle a bit before I crash myself!

Good

Yesterday we had Addiston's 15 month doctor's appointment. She was suppose to go in a few weeks back but a spontaneous trip to New York postponed our little check-up.

While we were there some friends from church happened to show up and I was a little excited that there were friendly faces there to entertain my little busy body.

While we were waiting for our doctor I realized I haven't given an update on her development lately. So here we go:

Addiston Rose, 30 1/2 inches long (50th percentile) 18 pounds 14.5 ounces (3rd percentile)
can walk (almost run) and pick herself up when she falls.
She can say a little over a dozen words including: mama, daddy, hi, bye, ball, this, that, up, no, & snack.
She sleeps through the night, feeds herself with utensils and drinks out of a sippy-cup or straw.
She has recently taken up napping again and it's such a blessing. She will only sleep in her bed at night during the day I have to lay down with her on the couch or she'll sleep solo in Jared and my bed.



The doctor is thrilled with her development and thinks that she is just cute as a bug. I was a little concerned that she is so tiny so the doctor suggested that we switch from whole milk to toddler formula. It's got more calories so it should put a little more meat on her bones just in time for winter.

I just love spending time with her. I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with her and while some days I get overwhelmed and exhausted, the house will look like it's been vandalized and I'm sure I don't look much better I'm living in the moment. Not wishing her bigger is something I have to make an effort to do. We'll have plenty of time to go shopping, paint nails, and talk in full sentences later. Right now I'm appreciating sweet little hugs that seem like an attempt to tackle me, learning to blow kisses and getting ears and eyes mixed up.

We're constantly learning. I am so aware that I am the biggest example in her life and have been trying to break bad habits and make good ones more obvious. We are emphasizing please and thank you more, singing hymns while we change diapers and reading our bible at the kitchen table. Understanding the principle of See Good, Do Good, Be Good is one thing, but teaching it to my child is a harder task to accomplish.

Owning it

When I was in middle school my oldest sister was in college and she took me with her for a day. They were starting a new chapter and coincidently it was a bit of information I had just been taught in my 7th grade science class. The professor was getting a feel for what the class knew and showed some slides of moon phases. Nobody knew the first one (I did) nobody knew the second one (I did) The third one came around and when I whispered to my sister that I knew the answer she told me to say it out loud, I whisper yelled "No" and some overachiever in the front row raised his hand and said the answer I had just whispered to my sister. Just FYI it's currently a Waxing Crescent.

I've always been the kind to second guess myself and recently I've been slacking, ignoring piles of laundry in the corner of the bedrooms, leaving dishes in the sink till Jared gets home and then giving him the sad overtired mom look that prompts him to say "I'll do the dishes hun." I've been blowing off e-mails, voice mails, and snail mail to take my girl to play grounds and lunch dates, avoiding real life and responsibility.
My parents bought her this suitcase when she was born and she randomly grabs it and runs, like she's preparing to hit the road.



My point is, lately my mind’s been racing with silly no-good feelings, I’ve had a hard time focusing, and I haven’t been able to turn it off. In cooking, you can add salt to compensate for too much sugar, but in real life there is no tried and true ingredient that magically dissolves a “bad taste.”

While I naturally search for a switch to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. That I shouldn't second guess being sad or angry, I should embrace it and own it.

You take what you are given and you work with it. You smile and you love the bejesus out of everyone around you for every second you're blessed to do it. You make it work, and you give it--you give them--your all, your passion, the secret part of your heart that says things you want them to hear. Like "you mean more than any of this."

I'll snap out of this funk soon. I'll get back to being OCD and cleaning the heck out of things. I'll plan trips and outings. I'll pre make dinners for cold winter nights. More than likely I'll drive my laid back anything-but-type-A husband bonkers and the rhythm of our home will be restored. But for now, I'll gonna hang out with my friends disappointment and fear, I'm gonna learn what I can from them and try not to pretend they don't exist because denying that things aren't always perfect and ignoring true emotions is a recipe for disaster.

I paid my doctor a visit last week and after some tests found out I have an Underactive Thyroid, I've been popping sythroid every morning hoping that it helps regulate whatever is going on inside this body of mine.

So even though lately I've been slacking, I'm owning it, for better or for worse, I'm diggin' the cheerio's in the door frames, the dead flowers that are still rocking as a centerpiece. My mind’s been racing, and from time to time I've been ignored the funk but for the most part I'm feeling feelings, and that is important, feelings stretch us, cause us to grow, learn and change. Hopefully I can learn quickly and get back to planning, projects, and play dates. Because I'd much rather embrace finished projects, clean houses, and spontaneous adventures.