Time

So I've started this post half a dozen times and nothing seems to sound right. I write and re-write and read and then frantically jam on the delete button like i'm tapping out the melody to "we will rock you"

This weekend was emotionally draining. It was one of those times when you know that you're doing good, not well-good, but there were growing pains. I had two good friends have two different yet related problems both of which shook me to my core. I hate that I've had to be more grown up than I want to be at times in my life. Unfortunately I've had some not so pleasant experiences, including multiple miscarriages and traces of cancer, but by the grace of God and an understanding, patient, husband I've grown from them. So the last two day's Addiston and I have partaken in a little thing I like to call retail therapy!


There are times when I have no idea what to say-shocked aren't you! But I know that when I was going through a hard time I just wanted someone there beside me. No words were necessary! Sometimes I begged for no words.
My parents were the worst people to be in a tense situation with, my dad hums different show tunes and pop music from the before I was born while my mom makes lists of anything pertinent to the given situation. Then if we are in a doctor's office my dad will pick up one of the falling part children's books and start reading you green egg's and ham as if that will make you feel better when you're being tested for some rare disease!

Wow-tangent, I love you dad!


I believe that the world is full of good people, good things, and good intentions, (like my dad's singing of the andy griffith theme song) I see good every day in the stories I read and people I encounter, and yet I’m privy to the fact that the world has its share of ugly too. I hate that I've been face to face with the ugly in the world and I hate even more that my friends have to as well, the thought of Addiston someday having to experience the pain that our fallen world causes, is unbearable, but as my friend amber said, maybe I had to go through my valley so that I could help her through. You don't tread alone my dear.

I was called strong this weekend, and I was shocked-speechless. Here's a little secret, I feel like the least strong person in the world. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, what I should be doing or if what I am doing, I'm doing right! But I do know fear, I know pain and I know that a smile goes a long way, a prayer goes even further and having someone who can just sit with you when your in pain is a blessing.


*Sorry if this post was confusing or depressing! I'll be more chipper next time!*

Goodnight!

growing

The little one has become increasingly interested in "real food" she usually prefers baby food but always wants to try our food. It has made me increasingly aware of what I eat. If I'm sitting in front of her eating a sandwich and chips, I have no problem ripping off a piece of whole wheat bread and letting her munch on it, or some all natural cheese, she doesn't tend to like the tomato or onion, and she'll normally forgo the second offering of my sandwich for some of her food but will unavoidably yell and reach for my potato chips, which I will NOT share with her. So with little eyes seeing everything and her new ability to mimic almost everything I do we have begun munching on apple slices, veggies, or more baby sharable snacks!

She is growing up so much, she reaches for things and turns them over and over in her hands as if she's inspecting them trying to figure out how they work, she climbs on top of things and has mastered going up the stairs, she will randomly start laughing and I can't wait until she can tell me why she thinks the meat section of the supermarket is so hilarious. It's only a few short weeks until her birthday and the pink decor has already begun to take over the spare bedroom! She even got her first present in the mail the other day! From her BFF Lily!


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Wednesday I was shaken, Shaken in a way that allowed things to shift the ground beneath me and unsettle everything. A dear friend lost her mother to cancer. I cried; called Jared and my dad. It consumed me for the rest of the day and well into the night. I whispered her name, prayed for the family, closed my eyes and tried to will peace into their brokenness. You hear of these things on the news, they seem totally normal. But I know this family. And the looming truth of Sometimes Bad Things Happen to Good People made me feel stifled and afraid. I hurt for her and what hurst the most is knowing that there is nothing I or anyone can do make her hurt any better.


I held Addy a little tighter, that night, knowing that I won't always be here, and someday she'll have to go it on her own.

There will never be answers for so many of life's grandest questions, and the unsettling ground of "what if" will shake us as parents many times along this journey. And while pain does not flow well with what we all have in mind for our future and what we strive every to day to achieve, it is a part of this world and the great catalyst for challenging us to love bigger and better every day.

The rawness of Wednesday's reality will fade, allowing me to sink back into the mundane rhythms of daily life: to-do lists, projects, shoes, new recipes, wants, frustrations. Because our brains are not Bible bookstore plaques and, while it would be nice to be programmed to "Seize the Day" and look "On the brighter side" at every given second, the unimportant has its place too, balancing the defining moments, softening the blows. We need unimportant. And, as crazy as it sounds, we need to forget once in awhile, to get lost in silly pleasures like shoes and coffee, movies and books, planning trips and renovating bathrooms. Together, it brilliantly combines for a good life, allowing moments we remember. The important and the unimportant, the good and the bad, the growing pains accompanied by the different seasons of our lives.

Behold...

In true fashion our weekends go from 0 to 60 in no time flat. This weekend was no exception and with it came a whole slew of variety to every aspect of our crazy lives. Friday night I was honored to have the opportunity to address over a hundred women from many generations. I was intimidated by their wisdom and faith but a strength that was not my own pushed me through and behold... HEALING!


12 dear friends came to help uplift me and pull me through. (I forgot to get a picture with all of them.) It hurts to relive some parts of the past, the pain and fear that I was forced to face and too young of an age. To be vulnerable and try to make it clear that I truly feel blessed beyond my own deserving to have this little miracle we call Addiston in my life! So take that three miscarriages and cervical cancer! I was nervous which to be honest was very unlike me but it was what my soul needed and afterwards we celebrated with desserts! That's healing baby!

Saturday arrived bright and early and led me to these girls, they are so precious and I love that I get to teach them something that I used to love to do, and that they get to teach me that there is nothing like the faith of a child!

Behold: cuteness.

Behold: tired little girls, but still, cute!


Last night we gathered. I'll admit I don't know everything about football, I know who the center is, what a quarterback does and a few other necessities. Other than that I appreciate the cheerleaders, halftime show and the commercials. The boys were mesmerized by the game, hooping and hollering whenever the packers scored a touchdown. The women payed minimal respect to the happenings of the sport but we enjoyed the chaos and of course the company.


My friend kari made a fabulous cake and her creative juices are something to be reckoned with! This was not a shaped pan people, she carved it! (and it tasted as good as it looked)

I certainly don't have to love football to be appreciate the coming together of people all rooting for the same cause. Addiston learned the name of the game quick, we stare for a while, then we jump up and down making a lot of noise and clap our hands! We're the first of our southern friends to have kids so of course she got all the attention, she'd make her rounds, crawling from little conversation circle to her daddy then from me to the one learning to crochet.



The little ones first tooth broke through the gums last night. It's little and razor sharp but it's there!

Behold, $8 art! HGTV inspired. Woven placemats, a few S hooks and a piece of bamboo.


The snow's coming down heavy outside, and unfortunately I still need to go the grocery store. Down here when ever there is even the prediction of flurries the stores are chaotic, swarming with southerners who whole up in their houses for days because they were born here, and they don't know how to drive much less survive in the snow without a months worth of groceries to give them comfort. (point for any city north of the Ohio river!) There may be different ways and measures of acquiring the need to feel united, to celebrate something good, but when it all boils down, the fact remains that I am fueled by the victories of the past, the potential of the present and the promise of the future. While there is war and hatred and discrimination in our world at this very moment, there is also a growing number of people who are working to create a culture where everyone is valued and celebrated, people are healing people. So, if you've ever basked in the joy of celebration--in blowing out candles or leaping off the couch to cheer a touchdown, in clinking glasses to toast a new year, a new job, a new baby, to catch up-- you know what it feels like. And behold it's good, eh?