Charlotte Elizabeth Miller-A Birth Story

She is here, She is perfect, she is a miracle and the answer to prayers I didn't have to words to pray.

How can it be that over a month has passed since we welcomed our dear girl? I just want to slow down time. To be able to take more deep breaths and bask in the newness of her, the tininess of her toes and the sweet way her lower lip quivers when she cries. It's true what they say, that with each baby time moves faster; it doesn't really, but, you get less time one on one with each of them, so I fully believe that because your time is sparse you appreciate the baby stage more!

Jared and I took notes of the boring details while I was in labor and I took my time processing all of the emotions that accompany the experience. I'm finally in a place where I'm ready to stop hoarding the blessing and share what came to be our but mostly her story! Because who am I to keep it? Sharing a miracle doesn't diminish the sanctity of it, but multiplies it. And I'm fully aware that I'm currently cuddling my third little miracle in my arms, and the love and gratitude is overwhelming. I can't think on it too long because it reminds me how little I deserve it.

Wednesday March 23 we had our home school community day. I taught to distract myself from being almost 2 weeks over due. It went well. My mind was thoroughly distracted for 3 hours and as soon as I sat down in the van to drive home my body decided to catch me up on what it had been doing the last three hours. I felt cramping and contractions but they weren't anything that made me take note so home we went. On the way I called Jared to let him know that I thought labor was starting so he came home from the office and got home just shortly after we did. The rest of the afternoon I spent bouncing on a yoga ball, taking warm baths, baking and attempting to watch movies cuddled up with the girls since I knew it was all about to change.

After Addiston and Isabella were in bed my contractions got stronger but they were still 7-10 minutes apart. I was in obvious pain but didn't even want to call the doctor because with trying to VBAC I knew the only thing they would say was to go to the hospital and I wasn't going anywhere until I was positive it was time to have this baby. That night was pretty much a blur, I tried to rest. I slept in 5 minute increments, but tried to stay quiet so Jared could get as much sleep as possible. He was up with me several times, getting water and snacks and rubbing my back.

By the time the sun was up Thursday we both knew that this was it and called the parents. Mine were already planning to come down that day for the back-up c-section scheduled for friday. So they might have hurried a little more but were already prepped and ready. Lots of counter pressure, yoga ball bouncing and a few ineffectual hot showers later I called it. It was noon and Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and made it difficult to stand or breathe through them. My parents were still a few hours out so I called my friend Kari (who was 37 weeks pregnant herself) she and her daughter came over to hold down the fort till my parents arrived.

Last shot as a family of 4

Jared and I arrived at the hospital at 1:15. I got my oh-so-stylish gown and was hooked up to a monitor. I was well into active labor with HARD contractions now coming every 2-3 minutes. Jared and I took guesses as to how dilated I was (6&7) and we were both way wrong, I was only at a 3. I was so upset, I had been laboring for almost a day and was only a 3.  I hadn't progressed from 1cm, 50% effaced since 37 weeks so we agreed that progress was progress and at that point were excited that no matter what we were leaving the hospital with our baby, one way or another. Since we were attempting a VBAC I had to be hooked up to monitors continually, basically meaning I had a three foot tether to my bed. I paced, Jared brought my yoga ball, I did squats, leaned over the bed and did lots of deep breathing, while Jared spent the larger part of the next several hours applying counter pressure to my hips during every contractions. Four hours later I finally let the nurse check me again, contractions weren't getting any closer but they were so much stronger. She said she could feel scar tissue on my cervix that basically needed to tear in order for me to fully dilate. At 5pm I was 4cm, 100% effaced and -1 station. I was discouraged. I didn't know how much longer I could go and didn't believe my body would do what it should and that I might be looking at my third c-section.

 I don't remember doing much more than cry for the next hour strait, I was in PAIN, I was afraid of another surgery, I just wanted to hold my baby. Jared kept encouraging me and helping me as much as he could, but I could tell he was running out of steam too. I had been laboring on a 3 foot leash for 4 hours, and had only progressed one lousy centimeter. My body was trying to go into transition but couldn't because of a residual scar tissue from a decade ago. My body was working overtime trying to break the scar tissue and it was then that I told Jared I didn't think I could do it, that I thought my body just wasn't cut out for having babies and that I wanted to go ahead and get an epidural so that if I had to have a c-section I would be ready. He let the hospital staff know, and about an hour later I was getting poked with a foot long needle.

We had a sweet nurse who had several years experience under her belt and was so respectful of me and my birth plan. She could tell how discouraged I was getting and lingered in the room a little longer than normal when she was checking the babies vitals. She walked over to the infant bed in the corner and began to remove the sterile seal. She got out a blanket from the drawer under it, opened the infant blood pressure cuff and set out a little pink and blue stripped hat, she looked at me and said, "you're going to do this, I don't break this seal unless a baby is going to use this bed," (c-section babies don't use the in-room bed, they get one in the O.R.) I sarcastically chuckled, I didn't have the energy to come up with a witty comment. She said, "I've been doing this a long time and trust me I know when a baby is coming on their own and when we've got to call the doctor to go in and get 'em" For the first time since checking into the hospital I believed that I could do this and that I would get to avoid another c-section.

An hour later my doctor stopped by on her way out of the office and a new nurse (shift change) came to check me again, I was now to 6cm. I was in shock. It took me 24 hours to dilate from a 1 to a 3 and four hours to go from 3 to 4 and then in an hour I progressed from a 4 to a 6, 2cm in 1 hour was an answer to my prayers! Ever since we had the post-due-date ultrasound and found out about the mass in Charlotte's chest I had been tense, (I had actually regressed in effacement from week 40 to 41 and my doctor said that was normal given the situation) I'm not exactly an easy going person by nature but fearing whats going to happen when my baby was finally born made me even less at ease. Jared had been saying for almost a month that if I would just relax that my body would probably do it's thing and I'd be able to go it labor. Well I guess he was right. For the first time in a month, thanks to the epidural, I was forced to relax and my body was able to do it's thing.

I was getting excited, at this point I fully believed that I would deliver my baby. I tried to relax as much as possible knowing that I'd need all the energy I could muster for the actual delivery.

Two hours later (9:30) I had dilated to an 8. My contractions were a minute apart and with each one Charlotte's heart rate would dip just a bit lower than they liked. From that point on I got to sport a not-at-all annoying oxygen mask.

The nurses stayed close after that. Half an hour later (10pm) I was at 9cm, My doctor  was called, she only lives 10-15 minutes from the hospital so she had been at home (watching youtube music spoof videos) I asked to have the epidural turned off and my nurse thought I was crazy but I wanted to feel contractions and when to push. She reluctantly obliged.

By 10:15 I was fully dilated, and charlotte had apparently come down the birth canal hard and fast. People seemed to come from nowhere, there were spotlights and mirrors and extra nurses. My doctor wasn't there yet so one of the nurses helped me get set up and do a couple practice pushes. I wasn't feeling the full extent of my contractions yet but I could feel pressure and was able to help hold my legs up. My doctor literally ran in the room out of breath. She was just as excited as I was for this to finally be happening and ran to change, a few minutes later she was in front of me, gowned and masked. At 10:25 I started pushing. One of the nurses counted slower than I thought was possible with each contraction to keep me pushing for as long as possible. With each push I could feel more and more and that made it so much easier to know what to do. Jared held the oxygen mask on me so I could hold myself up to my legs and focus on pushing. My sweet doctor was literally my cheerleader, I don't think she stopped encouraging me for one minute. Between every push I just kept thanking God for this opportunity, I had wanted so badly to be able to deliver my baby myself and I was. Then the doctor said "give me one last good push" and at 10:43 on March 24, 2016 Charlotte Elizabeth was born.

It was surreal, I watched them clean out her, quivering little mouth (we later learned she had taken a big gulp of amniotic fluid on her way out) and place her damp little body on my chest. I was so relieved that she was crying, breathing on her own, without trouble, that she was pink, and I was able to hold her and pray over her. She was (and is) an answer to so many prayers!

The next hour was spent being stitched up (2nd degree tear) and annoying the nurses because I wouldn't let them take Charlotte to the nursery to be examined. I had to be separated from my first to girls for hours before I even got to hold them, I had my baby and I wasn't giving her up. They found the mobile scale and necessary instruments and brought them to us. She weighed 7lbs 7ozs,  was 20 inches long. (small for being 2 weeks past due) and they got the cutest little foot prints.

After she was done being inspected, we swaddled her up and got to just be still. To watch her open her eyes and calmly look around, to breathe deep breaths, and hiccup, and cry soft little cries of a newborn who needs for nothing but is simply figuring out how to cry.

The next morning my parents brought Addiston and Isabella to meet their new little sister.

 

They were and still are smitten. Isabella declared that she was done being a little sister and that now she and Addy were twin big sisters. While in true Addiston fashion my firstborn just took it all in, beaming with pride.


The rest of the day was littered with vitals being checked, visitors, attempting to nurse (she didn't want to eat because her tummy was full of amniotic fluid) and attempts to rest. They did a chest x-ray of Charlotte in the late afternoon, it like the sonogram pre-birth was inconclusive.

We were told we could take her home that evening but we've done this before, were nervous about the mysterious mass in her chest, and our 3 year old still doesn't sleep through the night so we opted for another night at the hospital with nurses keeping a watchful eye on our girl and Jared and I attempting to sleep on 3" plastic mattresses.

Saturday morning we got to bring her home.

Sunday was Easter and because my parents were here to make breakfast and coffee and get the girls ready and because the sleep deprivation hadn't fully kicked in yet we went to church! (with a 3 day old!?!) And in true Easter fashion we all matched.

The rest of the week was spent anxiously awaiting her CT scan which was scheduled for friday and loving on our sweet new little one.

Friday came and early in the morning before Jared and I were fully functioning we were at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital waiting. Waiting for her name that she hadn't even learned yet to be called, for a test I didn't fully understand to be preformed, waiting for a sweet southern lady to give us instructions, waiting for an elderly st. nick-esque man to walk us s-l-o-w-l-y down the hall to the procedure room, waiting to feed a hungry baby in hopes that a milk coma would keep her still enough for the machines that we wouldn't have to sedate her 7 pound tiny body.

We had been told contrast wouldn't be necessary only to find out it was. I understood the reasoning why and we obliged, only to need to wait more. A pediatric nurse calling a nicu nurse to do the IV because your baby is tiny and new will slap you with a reality check like a cold wind in december. Standing in the corner of a tiny hospital room hearing her first scream of pain while they stick her is hard but the fear of whats on the other side of the test is harder. Jared helped hold her little body and spoke softly to her. After she was all set, I was given the go ahead to feed her to which I was so relieved because it meant I finally got to hold and comfort my baby.

After the milk coma ensued we watched as her tiny body which barely filled the head holder of the machines conveyor belt go in and out of what sounded like a malfunctioning rocket ignition.

Then we got to take her home. To wait.

We were told by the st. nick-esque man that it would probably be Monday before we heard anything, but that if we called our pediatrician and got her to call the hospital and bug them enough they may be able to get us results that day. So call our pediatrician, and bug her so that the effect would continue on up the medical food chain, we did.

A few hours later we received a call.

Her CT Scan had shown no mass, no signs of a mass and no inconsistencies. There were no need for follow-up or extra tests. She was perfectly healthy.

My mind couldn't grasp it.

In that moment my chest lightened. I hadn't realized it but I had been clinging to and cherishing each moment not for the beauty of the moment and her precious newness but for not knowing what the future held, for fear and maybe a little bit of hope. I had prayed, Jared had prayed, our family had prayed and our friends in our church, town, across the country and on the other side of the world had prayed, some even came into our home and anointed my very pregnant belly. And I shouldn't have been surprised when God answered those prayers! I don't have to fear for her future. Because He is faithful. And my tiny little mustard seed of faith was nothing compared to His faithfulness, and for that we are eternally grateful.

She is here, She is perfect, she is a miracle and the answer to prayers I didn't have to words to pray.

Stream of Consciousness

Welp my steady string of almost regular blogging is shot. Holidays happened, they were great, I've been exhausted, I rarely remember what day it is, and frankly can't remember what happened when. I wrote this post a few weeks ago and forgot to push publish, so theres that.

Fun fact, I have 9 types of vinegar. I just got done prepping dinner which called for rice wine vinegar and of course it was the last one I picked up. And well, I have 9 vinegars, and I'm ok with that!

I jot down pregnancy memories here and there. On the back of a church bulletin, which later I probably throw away. In a journal with a thousand other ramblings most of which have nothing to do with this growing babe, and will be lost or forgotten until I die and my kids dig through my junk, and sporadically I write them on a cute piece of scrapbook paper hopefully to be added to a baby book later, but lets be honest, third kid, this blog probably is her baby book.

Not much excitement has happened in the pregnancy since I posted last. I pasted my three hour glucose test after failing my one hour which was such a relief considering I had convinced myself I certainly had gestational diabetes considering how tired I am. Guess my mom was right, having two kids and being pregnant is just that exhausting! The lovely phlebotomist busted a blood vessel in my arm on the last blood draw of my three hour and now over a month later the soreness and bruise have finally gone, luckily it's winter and long sleeves are a must so I didn't have to make up any fun stories about the green and blue bruise just under my elbow.

I'm just  a smidge over a month away from this little girl being here and the least prepared I've been for any of my babies. I hear that it's normal to ready later and later with each child which is good, because for us it's true. My parents are coming next week to paint the nursery which will relieve a lot of mom guilt I'm feeling about my lack of preparedness. We're using the same bedding we've used for Addiston and Isabella (because I still LOVE it) plus a few new decorations so hopefully that'll all fall together quickly, since we've done it before. I was able to sort through ALL of our kids clothes recently. Since we didn't have them all properly sorted before we moved I literally went through all of them, the girls helped me sort, and attempted to try on clothes they thought were cute that happened to be 3 sizes too small, it was entertaining. I have 0-9 months sorted out in the closet yet to be washed (as I'm sure they'll smell like fresh paint after next week) and all larger sizes separated and labeled in our storage room. I even found some clothes I had forgotten about for Isabella so her wardrobe got a boost too.

We had the biggest snowstorm Nashville has seen on over a decade last week (or maybe 2 weeks ago?). 8 inches of snow in 24 hours is respectable even for Jared and I's northern selves. The girls and Dogs loved it. There was lots of comfort food, snowball fights, snow angels and a decent snowman.

The Best Part was that 3 days later it was 60 and the month long gross, dirty snow that we're all used to after a beautiful fresh winter wonderland melted away, turning our cute little creek into a river with semi-respectable rapids for a day or so. But a girl could get used to a snow storm like that!

We're trying to be intentional about spending time with the girls before the new baby comes. Random one on one trips to stores or to grab a snack, individual game time and random "dates" Addiston and I got to go to a special children's event at the symphony recently and She was so cute. She had perfect manners. She could have taught the adults in the box next to us a thing or two. It was precious and I swear sometimes she makes parenting easy. SOMETIMES!

Isabella and I got to sneak in some one on one time last night too, we went to the mall and rode the carousel (which we had all to ourselves) did some disney store shopping and topped it off with mini-cupcakes.

1000 years

So at some point every day I end up holding Isabella. I hold her multiple times a day but a least once a day I get to hold her like an infant, she's finally starting to grow and at almost 15 months she's got some length on her. She usually crooks one leg up over my arm and lets the other hang, keeping time as it kicks out to my cadence. She rests her head on my the inside of my elbow, glancing up at me, comfortable, safe, content and she plays with my necklace. During this time she's usually tired, not worn out enough to put down for a nap but just cranky enough to allow me to hold her tighter than is tolerated in her now toddler-ness, so I take advantage of it. I pace up and down the hallway, swaying throughout the kitchen and living room, and throwing in a light twirl every now and then to keep her content and in my arms as long as she'll allow.

Isabella has an old soul, I'm convinced, from day one the girl has been pleased with the simple. She doesn't need the bells and whistles. She can rock a wooden spoon and pot drum solo, but ignores her light-up singing toys. She's the same way with music, she's not interested in the Lullaby's sung by jewell with their acoustic vibe and off set beat, she laughs when Addiston sings her songs she's learned at school or bible study (typically bible verses to the tune of row-row-row your boat) But start singing some hymns and the girl chills, we're talking trance-like-state, zoning-out chill, her favorite is blessed assurance.

I was raised in a church that sang hymns and I am so grateful that I know the hymns because I'm quickly learning that hymnals are a dying breed. The next generations won't know what it's like to take a dusty smelling book out of a wooden 'pocket' in front of you, and open it up to a given number during the song intro and fake being able to sight read! They'll only know the photo slide show behind lyrics of songs they hear on the radio, looking up at a screen instead of down in a book.

Anyways, usually I stick to the hymns, because I know they work! They don't put her to sleep, just zen state. And I can cuddle her, examine her face, see how she's changing, hold her a while longer. But recently another song keeps popping into my head, 'A Thousand Years' by, Christina Perri. I honestly don't remember the first time I heard it but it has popped up on my pandora station a time or two and I like it, the artist has a great voice and the music builds. I honestly don't know what the first verse is because I always get lost in the instrumentals, but the verse kicks in and her vibrato takes over and I'm in love! It's suppose to be a love song but hey what stronger love is there that mother/child-NONE. So I have been sneaking it in from time to time between 'amazing grace' and 'love lifted me'

Like I said, I don't know the first verse, so usually I just hum a little then start up with the chorus:

I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

How true are those words?

I loved her before I knew her, before I held her, before I knew she was an old soul. There was a place in my heart that was blocked off, reserved just for her, a part of me that I didn't know existed, didn't know I was missing, until I looked into those huge blue eyes, and that piece of me came to life, and I wasn't just Lindsey or Addiston's mom, I was Isabella's mom, and she completed my heart, just like Addiston did when she was born, and just like any future children I may be blessed with will. She is mine and I am hers. 

While I wouldn't wish a miscarriage or a hard pregnancy on my worst enemy I think that because I my struggle to keep a viable pregnancy and struggling through 6 miscarriages the words of this song permeate how I feel as a mother.

I looked up the lyrics to see what all the song was really about and they are perfect, The first line, 'the day we met, frozen' is so true. She & her big sister are my hearts home! They will forever take me with them. The song was undoubtedly written as a couple's love song I'm claiming it as our song, Isabella's and Mine. Addiston and I have one, and now my baby and I do! 

If you want to hear the whole song here's the link: It really is beautiful! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKzQ9xwodVQ

Tease (short catch up post-but there's pictures)

Sorry it's been so long since I've undated! Life continues to be busier than I deem necessary but with 2 little ones how could it be anything else.

Currently every member of my family is asleep, which is how I'm able to post mid-day. If I had the stamina to post at night I would but currently Isabella is in that wonderful transitional stage of learning to sleep through the night again post teething torture and Addiston still rises with the sun so my ability to string together coherent sentences after the sun goes down are slim to nill-sorry! Take what you can get!

Addiston is done with MDO for the year and while I am a little sad because I loved having a little alone time with Isabella, I am embracing the free schedule of summer!

Addiston on her first and last day of "school"

Isabella is growing so much I just want to pause time (during the day) she is saying a few words now: dog, dada, mama, this, and we're pushing Addy! She is so cuddly. Whenever she sees me she lunges for me to hug her even if she is in someone else's arms. It's good for my mama pride to feel so loved. She holds on so tight that sometimes I can throw my arms out and she's just there clinging on like a little koala bear. She gets so excited to see Addiston after nap time and in the morning. They both just smile and hug. I love witnessing the bonds they're forming! Isabella is more mobile now (not walking) so she gets into everything and she always has the same surprised/intrigued expression no matter what content she is exploring!

Addiston is usually good at keeping her favorite things out of reach but mostly she's cool with sharing. One of Isabella's favorite thing to swipe is a little mermaid tail. It's a tiny little doll the size of a cell phone that converts from mermaid ariel to princess ariel (the toy with tiny little parts all parents hate!) Well the tail is all squishy and I'm not sure why but Isabella loves to suck on it and excuse the terrible photography but this is what I see at least twice a day!

I'm so glad that the girls are getting along. I know we have a long way to go with the whole this is "Mine" stage and I am already in prayer for the teenage years, but even though it is tough having two little ones so close in age I hope that they will always be as excited to see each other and want to share their things and help each other! 

Speaking of sharing: we went Ohio not long ago for my sister's wedding reception and Isabella caught some sort of devil cold from Ikea (ok I have no proof but I'm blaming Ikea) She ended up having an ear infection & UTI. She shared her fever and congestion with Addiston who then was kind enough to share it with me! And coincidently the Dog got an ear infection too! Jared has super immune system and never gets sick or possibly was and we couldn't tell because he was already on antibiotics from having his wisdom teeth removed! So needless to say we got to spend some quality time with our Doc and all moms know how fun germy waiting rooms are! 

Somewhere in the last month Jared went to New york, I made a shotgun trip to Ohio to attend my nana's funeral, Jared got his wisdom teeth removed, we went to Ohio as a family, attempted to catch up on house work, and celebrated Jared's birthday! I let the girls pick out his presents this year (at Jared approved stores) and Addiston wanted to get him a basketball hoop and of course what dad of 2 girls doesn't need a pink basketball?

Addiston was so thrilled because she just knew that he would share with her! I think she may have had some ulterior motives when selecting this particular part of the gift but he was happy none the less! We were all recovering from the whirlwind of the last month and then this week was Addiston's birthday! I'll save the details of that for another time as the whole family has just woken up! But one more for the road!

Apparently Addiston wanted to be like Isabella while driving home one afternoon!

Easter & a flower girl

Both girls are napping which if you follow my blog you can see hasn't happened since March 19th. Eek, sorry for my inability to update anytime other than naptime!

Easter was a bit hectic with a long weekend worth of activities crammed into a shortened weekend if you factor in the travel time to and from Cincinnati. I love easter and I am so glad I get to spend it with my whole family but I also love my home church and am seriously considering making Easter our stay planted holiday and enjoy it with our little family of four and church family.

I'm trying to start participating more in practicing traditions and holiday decorating now that Addiston is old enough to realize. So this year we took up dying easter eggs. We did it a week before easter so we would have a chance to enjoy them before we left town.

Boiling the water for the eggs

Cooling the eggs off quick so we could get to the fun stuff

making the color

Checking to see if they're done

Putting them on the cooling rack all by herself

Adding some decoration

The finished product!

Addiston loved that she got to do most of the work by herself and honestly I was shocked that she didn't break a single egg. She was so cute while she was decorating the eggs after they were dyed. She put a basketball and rocket sticker on a blue egg and told Jared that was his egg because he likes basketball and he should go in a rocket with buzz lightyear. 

The day after we had our church egg hunt and while my girls had very little interest in finding eggs or eating the candy inside of them They did have matching egg hunt shirts that I made them-I am NOT a talented seamstress so I was super proud of my handywork! 

This past weekend was "Uncle" Nathan's wedding. Jared was a groomsman and Addiston was the flower girl so I had my hands full. A sweet family at church watched Isabella for the day to save me from certain insanity and exhaustion.

It was perfect weather for a spring wedding and it was so exciting for me to witness God's blessing of marriage upon these two sweet people whom I have been praying for to find each other for years.  We adore Nathan in this house and are so happy that he has found Whitney. Addiston has been referring to her as uncle whitney since the wedding so we'll have to work on that but I'm pretty sure it means that she approves!

I should have taken more pictures but I was preoccupied with this lil one and while I was missing my baby terribly it was nice to have a day with just one kid again!

She and the ring bearer got along so well and I thought they looked like they could be related.

When they made it down the isle the proudly exclaimed "we did it" and ran over to us to receive their candy reward which also doubled at keeping them silent throughout the ceremony.

She acted like a perfect little lady all day

She need a picture with her daddy and there were dozens of pictures of her with the bride. I managed to get one of her with her "uncle" Nathan and after all the photos were done she said momma you need a picture with me so we got a quick selfie before the reception started. 

There was no open dancing at the reception just the standard first and father/daughter but music was playing the whole time so Addiston made Jared and I dance with her every time we were standing.

The last few weeks have been packed with about as much as possible and I'm so looking forward to having a free weekend to catch up before Jared's work trip next week.Well boys and girls thats all the time we have for today I hear whimpering and thats my que!