Excitement

So lately I have been busy, cleaning the house, finishing the nursery, preparing for this little miracle growing inside of me. Jared has been taking everything in stride and like a champ has dealt with my melt downs, panic attacks and great fears without ever breaking a sweat.

I've decided..."No stress!" so what if every little thing on my to-do list isn't done by the time she gets here. I'm not naive enough to think that a newborn baby is going to care weather the den is redecorated, she won't mind if the piano bench gets re-upholstered, and she more than likely won't care if the chandelier in her room has gold facets or silver one's. So "no stress" instead I've opted to be excited. Here are a few things I'm excited about...

These kids...my nieces and nephews, there are nine, so far! They are all excited to meet Addy and have told me of the things they will teach her, the games they will play and that they love her. This past weekend I got to see most of them, and the younger girls (the one's sitting on top of the couch) decided they were able to hug the baby (my belly) without hugging me-they only wanted to hug their cousin. :) The whispered secrets to her, and told her they loved her. It's so comforting to know that she is so loved already!

It's springtime, which means neighbors grilling, the lawn needs mowing (where Jared is right now) and the birds wake me up every morning. I wish I could hop on one of these bikes and ride around the neighborhood, but as any pregnant woman knows, once you hit the third trimester, your balance goes out the door. Regardless of how experienced you are on a bike. (I happen to be semi-pro :) and have ridden the entire California coast line-1100 miles) I can't wait for Addiston to be here so I can push her around on beautiful days like today in our new stroller.

This is Assisi, it is the most peaceful place I have ever been and I hope that we are able to go back someday as a family.


Cooking! My #1 stress relief, and something I have been doing a lot lately. This is me last year in italy, helping make real italian pizza's a a restaurant we stopped at for lunch. I was enamored by the man tossing the pizza's and tried multiple times to take a picture, long story short, he asked me to help, and this is a story I will tell my grandchildren. In honor of Italy, tonight I made homemade spinach portobello ravioli!

So for now, "no stress" I'm enjoying by baby. being pregnant, feeling her kick, when she gets the hiccups, and yes even when she punches me in the spine. Before I know it she'll be here, so I'm going to enjoy this time while I have it and not worry about getting everything crossed off my to-do list!
No stress!


For now at least :)

A whole new journey

So yesterday was the three hour glucose test for gestational diabetes. Jared went into work for a few hours on Sunday so that he could go with me, which was a Godsend because I felt terrible for most of the time I was there.

I had to strictly monitor my carb and sugar intake over the weekend and fast after dinner in sunday night. When I got to the doctor's office at 8am on Monday they took my blood so that they could see the baseline glucose level, then I had to drink another super sweet syrupish beverage, except this one was twice as sweet as the first. (If you've ever worked in a restaurant-which I think everyone should be required to do at some point, imagine drinking the concentrate that gets mixed with carbonated water to make the soda.) Thats how thick and disgustingly sweet this stuff is.

After about ten minutes I was feeling pretty queasy and like I was going to pass out. The waiting room was loud and bright and I was tired and grumpy=not a good combination. After one hour they took my blood again to see how the glucose drink was effecting my system.

We had to wait another hour, so we went out to the car to sit this time to get away from all the craziness since I wasn't feeling well. Time for another prick, listen to those of you who say that giving blood is no big deal-it is to me, so back off, it really hurts!

The final hour I was actually starting to feel a little bit better so we stayed in the waiting room and read the books that we both brought, Jared a John Grisham, Me a David McCullough. (On a side note I would like to point out that one of my favorite things about my husband is that he and I can sit side by side and read for hours, without a word. It's a pleasant peacefulness that we share and rarely get to enjoy so in a way I was happy to be waiting for them to take my blood!) A chapter later and it was time for my final stick!

Well three hours and four pricks later, it was over, I had put a peanut butter and banana sandwich in my purse to eat as soon as I was done because by that time it had been about 16 hours since I had consumed anything and I knew I would be starving-best thing I've ever thought of!

This morning I got the call, my test results were in, and I do in fact have gestational diabetes.

I was shocked, tears flooded my eyes and I couldn't think strait. How could I have this? I'm small, seriously, small! I eat healthy, I stay active, I've done everything, literally EVERYTHING you're suppose to do when your pregnant.

The nurse began talking to me about what I need to do now and I made her repeat it three times because I knew I wasn't comprehending. She could tell I was upset and tried to calm me down, She told me that more than likely it is not my fault, everybody's body responds differently to the pregnancy hormones. The nurse was as surprised as I was. She said she never would have guessed that I of all people would have GD, but here it is... I have to go to dietitian, and learn how to test my blood sugar everyday (oh joy, more needles!) and more than likely go on a pill. Worst case scenario is that Jared will have to give me a shot everyday, but that's only if the pills don't work.

Jared was as surprised as I was, when I told him, but assured me we'd get through this and be fine. I called my parents and told them, they were both equally shocked, saying they were sorry and tried to stay positive.

Honestly, I'm a little bit devastated. I feel like I'm failing my daughter and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm scared that in some way she will be harmed by all of this, I want her to be safe and healthy, I want to protect her.

So here we go, bring on the meal-plans, the testing strips, and whatever else they make me do. 10 weeks, that's all that's left till Addiston gets here, 10 weeks. I can do anything for ten weeks. (even let my husband give me a shot everyday?)

Failure

I did not pass my one hour glucose test.

I have to go back for a three hour test on monday, where they will draw my blood four times!

I'm scared.

Glucose Test

So today was my blood glucose screening, a standard test done to all pregnant women to test and see if they have gestational diabetes.

The doctor told me to eat normally before the test, not to worry about sugars and such. However, heeding the advice of my big sister and many online mom's I decided to abstain from sugar and most carbs yesterday. As to try and avoid a more extensive painful test if this one is failed.

Now normally I'm a fairly healthy person! I eat tons of fruits and veggies, whole grain-everything possible, and as much organic as I can stand. I don't eat out unless our friends are planning something, and don't eat sweets, really because I've never had much of a sweet tooth.

But ya know the old trick where your told your not allowed to do something and that becomes all you can think of. Well that was me. Virtually all I could think about from the moment I woke up was cookies-my husbands sweet of choice, which he believes proves the baby is his. But all day I wanted oreo's and snickerdoodle's, sugar cookies with way too much icing, which chocolate macadamia nut cookies and chocolate crinkles.

I tried to fool myself by eating a sugar free graham cracker with reduced fat peanut butter-lol yeah right!

Jared likes to go to the doctor's with me, which most of the time, really isn't necessary. They weigh me, make me pee in a cup, measure my belly and say, "do you have any questions?" literally thats it. Nothing fun! There are a few important visits that I'm glad he's been at, the first heartbeat, the ultrasound, and this one!

I didn't eat breakfast per several peoples advice, and it wasn't to complete torture because my appointment was at 8:30am, but withholding food from pregnant women is just not a good idea! I got to the doctor and they give me this wonderful orange drink, perfect substitute for my lack of breakfast, more or less un-carbonated, cheap orange soda, that i was required to drink 10 ounces of in 5 minutes.

As many of you know and have learned because of my previous-post I hate needles, well after chugging the orange liquid i had to sit and wait for an hour anticipating getting my blood drawn, this just makes it worse, when it comes to needles, surprise is better-in my book!

They took me back and did the normal, pee in a cup, measure my belly, blood pressure-mine is freakishly low, weigh me, I've gained, 20 pounds, which is right on track for a healthy baby :) But still freaks me out in so many ways! My doctor recommended some local pediatricians and finally it came time for the stick! I didn't cry this time, I was extremely proud! But I did have to be reminded to breathe! Jared was very supportive and didn't squeeze my hand back in retaliation, but simply let me clench his hand while he encouraged me to growl-seriously.

The Dr said that no news is good news but that I would have my test results back by monday!

Fingers crossed!

Grandpa came for a visit

So my dad came down from Cincinnati this weekend to help get the nursery ready.

I know, I know, we're slackers, I'm in my third trimester and we hadn't even started the nursery!

Anyway my dad is an amazing painter, and he offered months ago to help paint the nursery, and we unhesitantly took him up on his offer!!

The bedding we have picked out (and my mom already bought for us-yeah for peaking at registry's) is this very girly and foofy and I love it.

After carefully examining paint chips, and asking every other female i know for their opinion, we decided to paint the room two shades of pink. A dark rose pink on the bottom, and a light angelic pink on the top, separated by a brown trim-line in the middle. Yes it is similar to the picture!

We began Saturday morning with a trip to Home Depot to buy paint, while Jared painted the ceiling (a must when re-doing a room.) We carefully laid out drop cloths as to not drop pink paint on white carpet-it happened anyway. I trimmed in the baseboards and ceiling, which turned out to be quite a task at 7 months pregnant with ten foot vaulted ceilings, but my dad and Jared were very carefully watching me and they did the rest.

It was an exciting and confusing experience all at the same time, since we've been in the new house, approximately 5 months, we have redone 4 rooms. Every room has a purpose. You know what you'll use the room for while you're planning the decor, what will be in it, the aura of the room if you will. But with this room it was different, I have no idea what it will be like to have a daughter. What will take place in the room, aside from sleeping and diapering? how will the room feel in a few months when she gets here? In a year when she's old enough to walk in the room herself? But through all the wonderment that was taking place, I was excited. Now I have a place for her. She has a place to call her own.

Jared is touching up the woodwork next weekend, I ordered beige decals to place in two different places and we still haven't found the light fixture, so it's not quite complete yet.

Even thought it isn't finished yet it's a totally different room and it's pretty, and pink, and every time i walk by I linger in the doorway and smile and simply can't wait for Addiston to be here! To meet her, to lay her down in her bed, to rock her in the chair by the window, to love her.

Don't worry there will be pictures ASAP!

wondering...

Today was filled with wondering. I spent the day organizing the house, and planning various things and couldn't help but get caught up in various daydreams about our little one.

I think about her first laugh, how i can't wait to hear it.

I wonder what her first words will be, I know da-da is the popular choice but I'm aiming for something original!

I imagine us in a year, when she's learning to walk, chasing after the cats as they try and hide under our bed.

I can already hear her asking why a thousand times, because let's face it, I never let anything go and her father is a diehard student, who will learn till the day he dies.

I can't wait to teach her about Jesus, and his love. I hope she sees him in our home and accepts him into her heart.

I see her on her first day of school, backpack too big for her little body, waving goodbye, as I stand outside the school crying.

but through all the daydreams and milestones I'm already envisioning there are blank spots...

I wonder what she will look like. Jared is tall, skinny, has very dark hair, brown eyes, a dimple chin and the whitest skin of anyone I know. I am short, have light brown/dark blond hair, am relatively tan, and have hazel eyes.
We have no physical features in common except a petite build-according to my obstetrician.

I wonder what she will act like. My family, myself included, is loud, demanding, emotional, chaotic, talkative, and has this energy about it. Jared's family, he being the pinnacle of these things, is quite, polite, non-intrusive, non-confrontational, and very hard working. We were both raised in christian homes and plan on raising Addy in one as well, but other than that, her personality is pretty much a toss up.

I wonder what she will be interested in, if she'll be girly and like all the pink that I've picked out for her or rebel against it like Jared likes to tease.

I wonder if she'll really recognize Jared and mine's voices when she gets here. All the books say that she can hear me and will know I'm her mom because of my voice, but that just baffles me.

I wonder if she'll be healthy, have all 10 fingers and toes, her lungs will be fully developed, she'll have a healthy heart. I wonder this daily and the thoughts that run through my mind faster than i can think them seem to take my breath away. I want her to be perfect and safe. I wonder if there is anything I'm missing. Anything I'm doing wrong. I've read the books and gone to the classes, I've done hours of research, but somehow I lay in bed in the middle of the night unable to voice my worst fears that because of something i did or didn't do something will be wrong with my precious baby girl.

It's not that much longer till we get to meet her, and I know as soon as she's here all of my wonderings will vanish as quickly as they've come. That my fears and dreams of milestones will be replaced with new ones of her lifting her head and rolling over. But for now, I can't help but wonder. Is she ok, what will she be like, does she know how much I love her?

Don't move or you may be paralyzed

For the past three weeks Jared and I have ventured out every tuesday night to the hospital, to sit in a room, with ten other couples (a real variety of creatures), to learn about what they daringly call "a labor of love." Every time I see the class sign posted I think to myself, labor=yikes, love=sweet little baby wrapped up in my arms. The two things rarely mix, so besides it being a play on words, i strongly disagree with the class title. I love my baby girl so much, and I simply can't wait for her to be here, but the more I read and learn about labor (the actual getting the baby out of my body), let me tell you it is NOT something that I would love to do, it's something that I am starting to realize, Oh crap I have to do this. Like it's too late now, she's in there, she's growing, she's daily reminding me that she's running out of room, eventually she's got to come out.

Any of you who know me, know that I don't deal well with needles. According to my father (who lovingly went to doctor's appointments with me until I was 20) this would be the understatement of the century. At my first pre-natal appointment they had to draw blood, just a little tube full, not a big deal, just standard testing. As soon as they told me, I began to sweat and my heart began to race. I walked down the hallway to the room where the blood is taken, sat down in what to me resembles an elementary school desk and began to cry, Jared holding back giggles gripped my hand (he doesn't understand that I'm the one who's suppose to do the squeezing). The nurse just looked at me, she said "Girl, your about to be someone's mamma, it's just a little blood." Easy for her to say, she obviously wasn't afraid of needles. Well last night in our birthing class we began by learning about the epidural, needless to say I turned white, my breathing became short and shallow and Jared leaned over and asked if I was ok. Yes of course, I'm ok, I'm great, I just have to get an 18 gauge needle shoved into my spine, so that I can breathe enough to push a child out of me. Are you kidding me? Obviously, not ok. So I know there is always the option to go natural, and I will be the first to praise those women who are strong enough to do so, however I will also be the first to admit that I'm a wimp, I don't even try to be tough. I don't have it in me to endure pain, and if there is a way to avoid possible pain, especially that of child birth (I hear that's pretty painful), I'm sorry to those of you who this may offend, but I plan on taking it. It just so happens that the way to avoid said pain is to face my crippling fear of needles.

So after an hour or so of talking about needles, anesthesia, possible, side effects of an epidural: itchiness, nausea, convulsions, week long migraines, paralysis, and death, we had a short snack break. :)

Dreams

So never in my entire life have I been a dreamer (literally-I mean) I sleep, I do not dream while sleeping, ok so I know that psychologically I do, but I never remember my dreams.

I can remember one dream from when I was very young, first or second grade maybe, wherein a racoon threatened me so that I would not eat my vegetables so he could eat them out of the trash. This is a very true story and is the only dream I remember ever having...until now!

During the first trimester of pregnancy I read that because of hormones changing I would begin to have odd dreams, among many other crazy side effects of pregnancy, but it didn't really kick in till a few weeks ago. And oh buddy has it been a roller-coaster of imagery every night since.

The first of my wonderful dreams occurred one morning when Jared had already left for work, so when I awoke I was alone, with no one to share my anxiety with. This first dream was about penguins. Yes penguins! These creatures are cute, don't get me wrong, but I have never had a specific love or aversion to them so why they would appear in my dreams is beyond me!

It was time for the baby, Jared and I rushed to the hospital, waited patiently through hours and hours of contractions, ice chips, the epidural, and lack of sleep, the anticipation was unbearable, even from my comatose state, the room was a perfect setting, everything we have planned, soft music playing, lights dimmed, pictures of the beach, friends and family waiting in the lobby. It was a rather pleasant experience. Finally my Doctor said it was time to push. Jared was by my side. Within a few minutes the labor was over. We both strained to see our girl over the shoulders of the doctor and nurses, who were crowded around her. The doctor finally turned around, the nurses moved in on the "baby" as if creating a military barrier, the doctor had one of those, about-to-give-bad-news looks on her face and we were panicked! She held my hand and said "Lindsey, I would like you to meet your children,"

WHOA hold on a minute, I was only suppose to have one child, A girl, the nursery was painted pink, we had an adorable wardrobe waiting for her at home and we had the name picked out. They had suspected twins when we were first pregnant but it had been ruled out during the sonogram. I was beyond scared and panicked and strait into confused.

The nurses turned around and each were holding a small... baby... (you guessed it) penguin.

Through a whillrwin of doctors and reporters time seemed to fly by. I was unable to feed "my children" and it was a medical mystery how a woman could give birth to two healthy penguins. Jared and I tried to be excited and love them but were scared and still wanted our baby girl. A zoo representative came to the hospital to see us and explained that penguins need a very special habitat and that we would be unable to care for them ourselves. He confiscated the animals as if they were stolen property.

OK so I know they are penguins and I was confused and devastated but those were my children and he just took them. I went from anticipating one baby girl to having two baby penguins to having no babies at all.

I was discharged from the hospital later that day. My family returned home since there was no baby to help with, and my friends had long since left, probably out of confusion. Jared and I came home, in a car with a car seat and no baby. To a home decorated with welcome home Baby signs and a nursery full of pink and love. I walked around the house, admiring all of the essential baby items, the pack-n-play in the den, the bottles stored in the cabinet, the bouncy seat and swing in the living room. I ended up in the nursery, sitting in the glider. I was home, alone. We had anticipated her for months, planned everything, imagined how she would look (probably like aunt kara). We had talked to her in the womb, seen pictures of what we thought was her in the sonogram, yet there was no her. No baby girl the be brought home, to fill the spaces around the house with crying, and laughing. After nine months, nothing.

I woke up. I was devastated and immediately rolled over to wake up Jared and realized he was gone. I looked at the clock it was sometime past nine so I called him at work (something I try not to do) I told him the whole story which through my speed-talking and crying took all of 2 minutes and waited in silence for him to respond. He finally just laughed. I was shocked, how could he laugh, we had no baby. Then he said, "Lindsey, it's ok thats not going to happen, it was a dream" But I'm obviously new to this whole dream thing and was so confused, it seemed so real, so lifelike, I had cried, and been scared. But now it was sinking in, the dream was further away and reality was creeping its way back in. I began to laugh through still present tears. I was ok, my growing daughter was ok. It was just a dream.