wondering...

Today was filled with wondering. I spent the day organizing the house, and planning various things and couldn't help but get caught up in various daydreams about our little one.

I think about her first laugh, how i can't wait to hear it.

I wonder what her first words will be, I know da-da is the popular choice but I'm aiming for something original!

I imagine us in a year, when she's learning to walk, chasing after the cats as they try and hide under our bed.

I can already hear her asking why a thousand times, because let's face it, I never let anything go and her father is a diehard student, who will learn till the day he dies.

I can't wait to teach her about Jesus, and his love. I hope she sees him in our home and accepts him into her heart.

I see her on her first day of school, backpack too big for her little body, waving goodbye, as I stand outside the school crying.

but through all the daydreams and milestones I'm already envisioning there are blank spots...

I wonder what she will look like. Jared is tall, skinny, has very dark hair, brown eyes, a dimple chin and the whitest skin of anyone I know. I am short, have light brown/dark blond hair, am relatively tan, and have hazel eyes.
We have no physical features in common except a petite build-according to my obstetrician.

I wonder what she will act like. My family, myself included, is loud, demanding, emotional, chaotic, talkative, and has this energy about it. Jared's family, he being the pinnacle of these things, is quite, polite, non-intrusive, non-confrontational, and very hard working. We were both raised in christian homes and plan on raising Addy in one as well, but other than that, her personality is pretty much a toss up.

I wonder what she will be interested in, if she'll be girly and like all the pink that I've picked out for her or rebel against it like Jared likes to tease.

I wonder if she'll really recognize Jared and mine's voices when she gets here. All the books say that she can hear me and will know I'm her mom because of my voice, but that just baffles me.

I wonder if she'll be healthy, have all 10 fingers and toes, her lungs will be fully developed, she'll have a healthy heart. I wonder this daily and the thoughts that run through my mind faster than i can think them seem to take my breath away. I want her to be perfect and safe. I wonder if there is anything I'm missing. Anything I'm doing wrong. I've read the books and gone to the classes, I've done hours of research, but somehow I lay in bed in the middle of the night unable to voice my worst fears that because of something i did or didn't do something will be wrong with my precious baby girl.

It's not that much longer till we get to meet her, and I know as soon as she's here all of my wonderings will vanish as quickly as they've come. That my fears and dreams of milestones will be replaced with new ones of her lifting her head and rolling over. But for now, I can't help but wonder. Is she ok, what will she be like, does she know how much I love her?