Alone

As any stay at home mom knows when you've got a little one you only see alone time about twice a day and that's in about twenty second increments in the restroom.

In the past week I have gotten the chance to be alone more than normal. Most of that time has been spent in the car, running errands but none the less it was alone time. Only a half an hour here and there but hey I'll take what I can get.


Her first "salad"

Jared stayed home with the babe and while I had small little window's of time to run to church, a friends house for a clothes swap, and a consultation. There's a balancing act in the life of a nursing mom between getting time out to clear your head, and relax, and being home in time to feed the little one before bed. To not feel like you should be playing peek-a-boo, picking up toys and chasing and now very fast crawler isn't something that comes easily, it can't simply be turned "off" it becomes part of who you are. But in true nashville fashion traffic was a pain in the rear and I ended up spending more time in commute to destinations that I actually did at said places.

So I rolled down the windows, cranked up the volume and belted Sara Bareilles "Love Song" I know every word to that song, and I'm pretty sure the older gentleman who pulled up next to me at the red light thought I was training for American Idol or something judging by the way he looked at me sitting there playing drums on the steering wheel.

I called Jared and told him that I'd be home a few minutes late, which means "Umm I'm not cooking, start makin some grilled cheese." I pulled my left foot up on the seat, rested my arm on my knee and drove the rest of the way home relaxed, and casual, although I could hear my dad in my head saying, "What are you doing? You can't drive like that!"

I missed them. I was gone for a few measly hours and I missed them. And while I know I need a little more alone time before I start playing peek-a-boo with the check out clerk at the grocery store I love our family together time as well, the moments that you can visibly see Addiston get more and more excited to crawl back and forth from mom to dad, dad to mom, picking up speed and energy the more she takes it in that we're BOTH there. Normally it's one or the other, save an hour or so in the evenings. I love seeing the way she loves her daddy and how she chases the cats, dives over cardboard boxes like they're baracades in an obstacle course, climbing on everything (and anyone) within her reach.

Stuck on on

Today, I attempted to nap with my girl because: I am tired. I never nap with her, but this afternoon I slither under the tangled sheets of our unmade bed. It seems strange to be resting while it’s light out. I struggle to settle my mind and quiet the voices that attempt to convince me I am wasting time, that there are so many more productive things I could be doing, that busy moms should be chucking a second load of laundry in the dryer at 2:42 p.m., not resting. The voices that tell me to go clean the spare bathroom are not winning today. I justify the argument in my mind with the declaration that I don't watch soap operas, or spend hours a week neglecting the house in order to partake in some other nonsensical hobby, and somehow this unrelated piece of information convinces me that I’ve earned the right to recline in the daylight. And so I lie on my back and smile as I hear Addiston humm while sucking her pacifier, trying to keep herself entertained as she slides off into dream land.

The rustle of body to sheets as Addy shifts her position several times, struggling to get comfortable, the tick-tick-tick of the second hand on the tiny clock that sits on the bathroom counter, the distant hum of a lawn mower several yards over. Soon, she's asleep, her chest rising and falling slowly, her body heavy and still. I wish I could join her, but my mind is wild, racing along the to-do lists, stuck on, "on."

Eventually I give up, pah-lease I haven't napped since I was in pre-school. I envied my college roomates that could climb into their top bunk beds mid morning and sleep for forty or so minutes and wake refreshed and energized. I on the other hand would lay there in my blacked out bottom bunk tossing and turning only to hear the little chirp of my cell phone alarm clock half an hour later leaving me feeling frustrated and even more exhausted.


I’m learning to brush it off—to accept the “off” periods as necessary hibernations that allow the “on” times to be more productive. You cannot force inspiration. The best kind comes when it finds you, not the other way around. While I thrive on “on”—having projects, taking pictures, feeling like there’s a hundred thousand ideas brewing at once in my mind, I’m learning to use my discomfort with “off” to my advantage.

She cut a second tooth.

And if you ignore the crazy I'm going to catch the cat expression you can see the first one sprouting and the new one just cutting through the gums.

I wrote the beginning of this post yesterday afternoon (after I gave up on napping) and today the zesty dose of energy is back and, yes, I’m thinking I want to paint something , try my hand at homemade, hand kneaded, bread, experiment with backlit photography, start a new project. I'm cleaning out the closets, throwing in that second load of laundry, re-organizing the pantry, and figuring out the schedule for Jared and I's new insane fitness routine.
But, even though I love the "on" times, the joy I feel when I can look at my to-do list before bed and every singe item is crossed out. I also want to nap with my girl more, leave my phone turned off, and welcome the stillness that comes from not a single idea percolating in my mind.

away

This past weekend we packed our bags, left out pie plates of food and water for our increasingly neglected cats, commissioned friends to be our airport shuttle, and we went away.

We've made several trips back to Ohio since our little one was born. Birthday parties, weddings, family gatherings, the holidays brought several road trips in the beautiful winter wonderland that is the north. This weekend instead of loading down the BMW with way more stuff than it should hold we cut back, crammed everything into my mammoth sized suitcase and headed for the airport. Jared strapped on the baby pack and braved the airport which to our surprise was relatively empty!

Addiston stayed up well past her bed time taking it all in, I attempted to be sneaky booking our departing flight for precisely at her bed time, hoping that she would doze off and be the perfect little in flight baby that everybody adores. HA! What was I thinking?

She stayed up the whole time, peaking over seats meeting new friends and flirting with the gentleman behind us. He gladly put away his business documents to play peek-a-boo and the silly face game. While she wasn't busy broadening her social network she had her face pressed up against the window; Mesmerized!



We got to relax, sit down and visit with family and friends. Jared's mom, Amanda, jumps in at the drip of a hat, takes a discontent baby and entertains her without skipping a beat. It was beautiful.


We went out to Breakfast with 50 of Jared's relatives for his grandmothers birthday. And no, that isn't a typo, fifty. I couldn't help but sit back and take it all in, the children and the grandchildren all there to celebrate the life of a beautiful matriarch, a women who humbly said she felt so blessed to have anybody show up. We 50 weren't even the tip of the ice burg!

Four generations!

She could sense we were getting ready to leave her and as soon as we walked down stairs Sunday night, and she started muttering, ma-ma, da-da and when he picked her up she clung on for dear life.

We were able to go out for Valentines day, thanks to Jared's parents volunteering to watch her. We ate way too much sushi at a small little place which was cute and quiet, it was all but empty and I assure you wasn't because of poor food quality but because it was a sushi bar just outside of Amish country, the two really don't mix.

We visited Jared's old office and got to see some old friends from college. Monday morning we met some of his old high school friends for breakfast. So sweet, I wish we lived closer, because this cute little couple is moments away from having their first little girl and they will be amazing parents. She is the cutest little pregnant thing I have ever seen and I really want to live around the corner from her and take lessons in being absolutely stunning at full term!


She stole my peanuts on the way home!


Two and a half hours of flying trumps sixteen hours of driving every time! Miniature bags of peanuts and soda in plastic cups that are too small beat drive through fast food. Thank you southwest airlines, you made our weekend away so much more relaxing.

We got to visit with friends and family, celebrate love and another year pasted but for the most part the weekend consisted of sweats and relaxation, sitting around the table eating way too much of Amanda's amazing home cooked goodness. recognizing how much we miss and love each other!

On the Brighter side

This week has been a hodge podge of randomness. Doorbell rings holding visitors and excitement. Texts of disappointment. Home cooked dinners followed by late nights and early morning coffee. So deep breath in, let it out and look on the brighter side.

A package arrived early in the week.

I love this little Amazon smile on the side of a box, to me it means good deals and normally something fun. This time it was a pegboard to put in the garage for Jared's tools and a mat for the laundry room. Yeah I know I picked it out paid for it and was expecting it but it wasn't as fun as I wanted it to be. On the brighter side, My garage is now Organized and cat litter isn't tracked out of the laundry room!

I've been getting up at 6 to have some me time and read my bible, which typically leads to an early afternoon slump of a mom, resulting in my lack of motivation to work out. On the Brighter side, Addiston is now obsessed with spinning and being tossed, so whether I want it or not I'm getting a workout.


Everything in the household is getting use out of the piano but me (the one person who knows how to play-somewhat) but on the brighter side, it's insanely out of tune and she gets so stinkin excited when she realizes that she is creating that beautiful off key noise!



The Laundry didn't all get done, the house may have a few places that are still dusty, but I won't have to look at it because the bags are packed and we're flying up to Jared's parent's tonight. We've never taken Addy on a plane before and I'm nervous that she'll be one of those babies that cry through the entire flight. Here's hopin' for a sleepy girl!

Behold...

In true fashion our weekends go from 0 to 60 in no time flat. This weekend was no exception and with it came a whole slew of variety to every aspect of our crazy lives. Friday night I was honored to have the opportunity to address over a hundred women from many generations. I was intimidated by their wisdom and faith but a strength that was not my own pushed me through and behold... HEALING!


12 dear friends came to help uplift me and pull me through. (I forgot to get a picture with all of them.) It hurts to relive some parts of the past, the pain and fear that I was forced to face and too young of an age. To be vulnerable and try to make it clear that I truly feel blessed beyond my own deserving to have this little miracle we call Addiston in my life! So take that three miscarriages and cervical cancer! I was nervous which to be honest was very unlike me but it was what my soul needed and afterwards we celebrated with desserts! That's healing baby!

Saturday arrived bright and early and led me to these girls, they are so precious and I love that I get to teach them something that I used to love to do, and that they get to teach me that there is nothing like the faith of a child!

Behold: cuteness.

Behold: tired little girls, but still, cute!


Last night we gathered. I'll admit I don't know everything about football, I know who the center is, what a quarterback does and a few other necessities. Other than that I appreciate the cheerleaders, halftime show and the commercials. The boys were mesmerized by the game, hooping and hollering whenever the packers scored a touchdown. The women payed minimal respect to the happenings of the sport but we enjoyed the chaos and of course the company.


My friend kari made a fabulous cake and her creative juices are something to be reckoned with! This was not a shaped pan people, she carved it! (and it tasted as good as it looked)

I certainly don't have to love football to be appreciate the coming together of people all rooting for the same cause. Addiston learned the name of the game quick, we stare for a while, then we jump up and down making a lot of noise and clap our hands! We're the first of our southern friends to have kids so of course she got all the attention, she'd make her rounds, crawling from little conversation circle to her daddy then from me to the one learning to crochet.



The little ones first tooth broke through the gums last night. It's little and razor sharp but it's there!

Behold, $8 art! HGTV inspired. Woven placemats, a few S hooks and a piece of bamboo.


The snow's coming down heavy outside, and unfortunately I still need to go the grocery store. Down here when ever there is even the prediction of flurries the stores are chaotic, swarming with southerners who whole up in their houses for days because they were born here, and they don't know how to drive much less survive in the snow without a months worth of groceries to give them comfort. (point for any city north of the Ohio river!) There may be different ways and measures of acquiring the need to feel united, to celebrate something good, but when it all boils down, the fact remains that I am fueled by the victories of the past, the potential of the present and the promise of the future. While there is war and hatred and discrimination in our world at this very moment, there is also a growing number of people who are working to create a culture where everyone is valued and celebrated, people are healing people. So, if you've ever basked in the joy of celebration--in blowing out candles or leaping off the couch to cheer a touchdown, in clinking glasses to toast a new year, a new job, a new baby, to catch up-- you know what it feels like. And behold it's good, eh?