The little one has become increasingly interested in "real food" she usually prefers baby food but always wants to try our food. It has made me increasingly aware of what I eat. If I'm sitting in front of her eating a sandwich and chips, I have no problem ripping off a piece of whole wheat bread and letting her munch on it, or some all natural cheese, she doesn't tend to like the tomato or onion, and she'll normally forgo the second offering of my sandwich for some of her food but will unavoidably yell and reach for my potato chips, which I will NOT share with her. So with little eyes seeing everything and her new ability to mimic almost everything I do we have begun munching on apple slices, veggies, or more baby sharable snacks!
She is growing up so much, she reaches for things and turns them over and over in her hands as if she's inspecting them trying to figure out how they work, she climbs on top of things and has mastered going up the stairs, she will randomly start laughing and I can't wait until she can tell me why she thinks the meat section of the supermarket is so hilarious. It's only a few short weeks until her birthday and the pink decor has already begun to take over the spare bedroom! She even got her first present in the mail the other day! From her BFF Lily!
Wednesday I was shaken, Shaken in a way that allowed things to shift the ground beneath me and unsettle everything. A dear friend lost her mother to cancer. I cried; called Jared and my dad. It consumed me for the rest of the day and well into the night. I whispered her name, prayed for the family, closed my eyes and tried to will peace into their brokenness. You hear of these things on the news, they seem totally normal. But I know this family. And the looming truth of Sometimes Bad Things Happen to Good People made me feel stifled and afraid. I hurt for her and what hurst the most is knowing that there is nothing I or anyone can do make her hurt any better.
I held Addy a little tighter, that night, knowing that I won't always be here, and someday she'll have to go it on her own.
There will never be answers for so many of life's grandest questions, and the unsettling ground of "what if" will shake us as parents many times along this journey. And while pain does not flow well with what we all have in mind for our future and what we strive every to day to achieve, it is a part of this world and the great catalyst for challenging us to love bigger and better every day.
The rawness of Wednesday's reality will fade, allowing me to sink back into the mundane rhythms of daily life: to-do lists, projects, shoes, new recipes, wants, frustrations. Because our brains are not Bible bookstore plaques and, while it would be nice to be programmed to "Seize the Day" and look "On the brighter side" at every given second, the unimportant has its place too, balancing the defining moments, softening the blows. We need unimportant. And, as crazy as it sounds, we need to forget once in awhile, to get lost in silly pleasures like shoes and coffee, movies and books, planning trips and renovating bathrooms. Together, it brilliantly combines for a good life, allowing moments we remember. The important and the unimportant, the good and the bad, the growing pains accompanied by the different seasons of our lives.