Owning it

When I was in middle school my oldest sister was in college and she took me with her for a day. They were starting a new chapter and coincidently it was a bit of information I had just been taught in my 7th grade science class. The professor was getting a feel for what the class knew and showed some slides of moon phases. Nobody knew the first one (I did) nobody knew the second one (I did) The third one came around and when I whispered to my sister that I knew the answer she told me to say it out loud, I whisper yelled "No" and some overachiever in the front row raised his hand and said the answer I had just whispered to my sister. Just FYI it's currently a Waxing Crescent.

I've always been the kind to second guess myself and recently I've been slacking, ignoring piles of laundry in the corner of the bedrooms, leaving dishes in the sink till Jared gets home and then giving him the sad overtired mom look that prompts him to say "I'll do the dishes hun." I've been blowing off e-mails, voice mails, and snail mail to take my girl to play grounds and lunch dates, avoiding real life and responsibility.
My parents bought her this suitcase when she was born and she randomly grabs it and runs, like she's preparing to hit the road.



My point is, lately my mind’s been racing with silly no-good feelings, I’ve had a hard time focusing, and I haven’t been able to turn it off. In cooking, you can add salt to compensate for too much sugar, but in real life there is no tried and true ingredient that magically dissolves a “bad taste.”

While I naturally search for a switch to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. That I shouldn't second guess being sad or angry, I should embrace it and own it.

You take what you are given and you work with it. You smile and you love the bejesus out of everyone around you for every second you're blessed to do it. You make it work, and you give it--you give them--your all, your passion, the secret part of your heart that says things you want them to hear. Like "you mean more than any of this."

I'll snap out of this funk soon. I'll get back to being OCD and cleaning the heck out of things. I'll plan trips and outings. I'll pre make dinners for cold winter nights. More than likely I'll drive my laid back anything-but-type-A husband bonkers and the rhythm of our home will be restored. But for now, I'll gonna hang out with my friends disappointment and fear, I'm gonna learn what I can from them and try not to pretend they don't exist because denying that things aren't always perfect and ignoring true emotions is a recipe for disaster.

I paid my doctor a visit last week and after some tests found out I have an Underactive Thyroid, I've been popping sythroid every morning hoping that it helps regulate whatever is going on inside this body of mine.

So even though lately I've been slacking, I'm owning it, for better or for worse, I'm diggin' the cheerio's in the door frames, the dead flowers that are still rocking as a centerpiece. My mind’s been racing, and from time to time I've been ignored the funk but for the most part I'm feeling feelings, and that is important, feelings stretch us, cause us to grow, learn and change. Hopefully I can learn quickly and get back to planning, projects, and play dates. Because I'd much rather embrace finished projects, clean houses, and spontaneous adventures.

pause

Two weeks ago, I was pregnant.

Quietly, unnoticeably, but very enthusiastically pregnant.

This pregnancy was going to be okay, I was certain of it. I've been pregnant four times before but as many of you know we only have one: Addiston.

We've been down this road. Once we had the slow gradual build up of a high speed roller coaster with the pause and then the let down, like a boulder falling on whylie coyote. We've encountered the excitement and and then endured as it wasn’t but a few days of redecorating house space in my mind and visualizing the way my hands would cradle that itty bitty body when BAM — it was over. My hCG levels plummeted and my body responsibly did its job, repairing the broken space inside and renewing it for another time — a better time when everything would be perfect.

Well, this was it — the perfect time. Because, after the brilliant display of an indisputable pink plus sign on a screen, it had been a good week. And then another good week. And oh, the obvious pregnancy symptoms arrived, and I welcomed the discomfort they brought as good confirmation and a promise that our family would certainly grow as I had hoped and planned.

We do that in life. We hope and plan and dream every day, from little details to monumental life decisions. I may have earned a red belt in life disappointment — I’ve endured one unexpected cervical cancer diagnosis and now four miscarriages — but it’s nothing compared to the black belt of sorrow many others have unwillingly received. But I have to pause and remember that I do have a lot, even with the loss of the little one who was to arrive with the first buds of early spring next year. And I will continue to hope and plan that our family will grow and our girl will be a big sister some day.

scones

We made scones the other morning.
I don’t know why but about 30 seconds after Jared pulled out of the driveway I got the urge to make scones, from scratch.
Now I love to bake, most people who know me know this fact. But since Addy was born I’ve done most of my baking while Jared has been home. Well Addy is getting a little bigger and she has so much interest in what I’m doing in the kitchen so I decided to let her help.

I plopped her up on the counter and she did great, watched me pour and mix and tried to help stir. She watched me roll out the dough and then decided she’d flatten it out a little more by smacking it for five minutes or so.
We waited patiently for them to bake for 20 minutes then she sat pointing very impatiently for ten minutes while I let them cool so that she wouldn’t hate them when she did get to try them.
Well when the girl finally got her hands on them she went to town.



She ate hers, half of mine, and wanted more. I think my kitchen counter may be permanently stained blue,

but it was totally worth it!

The Big Apple

ok so a little back story; as some of you may know Jared's new job is in Nashville but the company headquarters is in New York City. It is a newer company and the company was offered free tickets to a web software development conference. He opened the offer up to anyone within the company and since Jared us basically learning a whole new programing language he thought it would be a good idea to go, his bosses thought so as well and I love this city so we decided to make it a little family vacation. Work covered the hotel room and Jared's flight and we had enough frequent flyer miles to cover mine, so with Addy still being little enough to fly on our laps, we hit the jackpot!

We wanted to get as much as possible out of our time in this magical place so we took the first flight out of Nashville Saturday morning, our wonderful friend Nathan came over at 4:30am to take us to the airport, and we will repay him in dozens of home-cooked meals! But in spite of being sleep deprived and over packed we got to see the sunrise from 50,000 feet.


The color and details of the city consumed me. The intricate architecture. The way the gray skies cradled the shoulders of the buildings just so and tunneled the rain into this even soft scatter that played as just one more instrument in the symphony of city sounds. The welcoming face of front doors that lined the streets and accompanying windows embellished with spilling blossoms and greens...seriously.



The rumble of the trains, the beeping, the buses braking, the people, the footsteps, the white noise of voices and engines and productivity all sang the song of many people--of all different kinds...all going and doing and being. And that ever-existing promise of the big city that good things, big things, important things, inspiring things...will happen.


This city is begging to be photographed. So much color, charm and culture.



My traveling little soul. She's a very good jet-setter.


We spent Tuesday at the Central park Zoo and I couldn't help but watch as her little eyes widened and her legs kicked, and I'm pretty sure she knew where she was and that it was special.

And then just when you think holy crap, this can't get any better, you hear this clippity-clop and a white horse-drawn carriage comes strolling by. And I thought our park was cool because it has a twirly slide, but who can compete with carriages and a carousel?


My heart beats faster in this city. Everywhere you look, there is life and sights and sounds that arouse your senses. Horns beeping and buses braking, violins and trumpets on street corners and the overall collective shuffle of feet walking--people are going somewhere.

and why yes I can hail a cab-life points!

Even if there's only two hours left on your last day there before you have to get a car to the airport. And it's smoldering hot and not very going-out weather. And anyone else would say let's just chill. Nope. Not us. We strapped the baby to us. Checked our suitcase at the hotel desk and ran crazy with city enthusiasm just to get in the best we could get out of those last precious hours. And we had some of the best moments of our trip in those last hours, dollar pizza slices, bartering for a knock-off wallet, and a baby hanging her head out of a cab like a dog (no car seats in cabs.)





But then again, that's kind of hard to judge. Because there were just so many best moments.
Like when Addy and I spent the day in the upper west side children's museum.


There was the 9/11 memorial which we were SO lucky to get in to.

and just when you think you're about to loose it because of the thought that so many lost their lives here and every thing that it stands for your kid goes and reminds you to look on the brighter side, like hey I can play in this fountain!


Or when we spent half a day as a family in FAO Schwartz.





dress up central-she was hyper-we were exhausted


Grand Central


It's the weekend and I need to give my city adventures something to compete with. I may have left the bright lights of the big city, I've got a bag of NY bagels in the pantry, and my bedroom looks like guys in haz-mat suits should be checkin it out(see dad I didn't totally grow out of it), but we're back home and my heart is complete...in the smallness of our home and quite country music town.

9-11

It's been ten years since our world changed. I remember as I sure most do where I was when I got the news, what I was doing, how I felt, and the flood of emotion that filled me. I had questions, I was scared, I was embarrassed for how scared I felt-for how naive I was of world issues, politics, terrorism, relationships between people and countries.

Well it's been ten years, ten years of healing, of growing, and yesterday I felt so very blessed to be in the great New York City where yesterday there was a momentary pause, as if this metropolitan jungle was holding it's breath waiting, nervous, tense and then an exhale, releasing all the fear and pain and moving forward.

We had breakfast at an amazing little french cafe where english speakers were the minority. We celebrated life yesterday, smiled at strangers we passed on the street, embraced this opportunity and thanked God for everything we have been blessed with.


Jared has never been to this great city so I know we'll be hittin' up all the tourist spots but last night we took the staten island ferry round trip so we could capture the new skyline. It was awesome, I felt the familiar warmth of tears in my eyes but couldn't help but smile as the little girl in my lap pointed to the statue of Liberty (who I swear stood a little taller last night) and said "baby" meaning she thought it was a doll for her to play with.

Something happened between that fateful day ten years ago and yesterday's memorial that has changed the way I look at the events and effects of September 11. I had children. And everything-everything seems to matter so much more. I don't know how to make sense of it all, and it's difficult to weigh the importance of the safety of our children and our country with the greater principle of changing the world to a place of compassion and peace. But for now we are growing, learning and amongst all the fear that still exists I feel safe.

lately

Sorry for the long absence. We’ve been here and there and had family here so my time to blog has been minimal. Not to mention a little one who rarely naps.

Addiston will be 15 months on Sunday. I can’t believe how much she is growing and how much less she is acting like a baby and how she seems more like a little girl.

We decided to take a little break from Gymboree. We had our last class last week. But Addy has pretty much mastered all the skills for her age group and so we decided to take a break for the next 3 months till she’s in the next level and save some money. We are still members so we can go to open play, which is great for days when she needs to get some energy out.

She is at such a fun age right now. We are in a pretty decent routine and she is getting super fun to play with. I bought a little tykes basketball hoop for $5 and the girl can slam dunk with the best of ‘em. But you better believe she cheers for her self afterwards-she just can’t decide who she wants to be more like, her dad or her mom.

We spent Labor day weekend in Cincinnati visiting with my family. My grandmother turned 89 on Friday and we were able to make it to her surprise birthday dinner. The rest of the weekend we just made our rounds visiting my siblings and watching our girl get loved on by her family.

We came home on Monday and Jared’s parents were already here. It was their 30th wedding anniversary so they came down to stay at the famous Opryland hotel. They loved it and we loved having them the rest of the week. They got to play with our girl, and see how much she is growing, and my amazing mother in law helped me clean my whole house and do six loads of laundry. I LOVE HER!

We are going on a trip for Jared’s work this weekend and I am so excited, I love to travel and I love even more that we get to travel as a family. Wish us luck!


Oh and p.s. apparently our neighborhood has wild turkeys roaming about!