Thursday, September 29, 2011

Owning it

When I was in middle school my oldest sister was in college and she took me with her for a day. They were starting a new chapter and coincidently it was a bit of information I had just been taught in my 7th grade science class. The professor was getting a feel for what the class knew and showed some slides of moon phases. Nobody knew the first one (I did) nobody knew the second one (I did) The third one came around and when I whispered to my sister that I knew the answer she told me to say it out loud, I whisper yelled "No" and some overachiever in the front row raised his hand and said the answer I had just whispered to my sister. Just FYI it's currently a Waxing Crescent.

I've always been the kind to second guess myself and recently I've been slacking, ignoring piles of laundry in the corner of the bedrooms, leaving dishes in the sink till Jared gets home and then giving him the sad overtired mom look that prompts him to say "I'll do the dishes hun." I've been blowing off e-mails, voice mails, and snail mail to take my girl to play grounds and lunch dates, avoiding real life and responsibility.
PhotobucketMy parents bought her this suitcase when she was born and she randomly grabs it and runs, like she's preparing to hit the road.

My point is, lately my mind’s been racing with silly no-good feelings, I’ve had a hard time focusing, and I haven’t been able to turn it off. In cooking, you can add salt to compensate for too much sugar, but in real life there is no tried and true ingredient that magically dissolves a “bad taste.”
While I naturally search for a switch to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. That I shouldn't second guess being sad or angry, I should embrace it and own it.
You take what you are given and you work with it. You smile and you love the bejesus out of everyone around you for every second you're blessed to do it. You make it work, and you give it--you give them--your all, your passion, the secret part of your heart that says things you want them to hear. Like "you mean more than any of this."
I'll snap out of this funk soon. I'll get back to being OCD and cleaning the heck out of things. I'll plan trips and outings. I'll pre make dinners for cold winter nights. More than likely I'll drive my laid back anything-but-type-A husband bonkers and the rhythm of our home will be restored. But for now, I'll gonna hang out with my friends disappointment and fear, I'm gonna learn what I can from them and try not to pretend they don't exist because denying that things aren't always perfect and ignoring true emotions is a recipe for disaster.

I paid my doctor a visit last week and after some tests found out I have an Underactive Thyroid, I've been popping sythroid every morning hoping that it helps regulate whatever is going on inside this body of mine.
So even though lately I've been slacking, I'm owning it, for better or for worse, I'm diggin' the cheerio's in the door frames, the dead flowers that are still rocking as a centerpiece. My mind’s been racing, and from time to time I've been ignored the funk but for the most part I'm feeling feelings, and that is important, feelings stretch us, cause us to grow, learn and change. Hopefully I can learn quickly and get back to planning, projects, and play dates. Because I'd much rather embrace finished projects, clean houses, and spontaneous adventures.

1 comment:

  1. I think we all go through phases like this, just not everyone is brave enough to share with others, so don't feel like you're lacking confidence because this proves that you are confident. We want everyone to think our lives are perfect and that we're superwomen[or mom] and that is not real life.
    A friend told me last week that we go through difficulties and trials to strengthen our testimony and so that we are better equipped to relate to others.
    You have the most beautiful daughter and I can tell that you are a fantastic momma... I say let the laundry and dead flowers wait and enjoy every single second with that precious little girl.